Monday, March 10, 2008

Chris Simon Visits Young Offenders Prison

The NHL's most respected player, Chris Simon, visited a young offenders prison in Winnipeg last week. He was a special guest lecturer in an anti-violence workshop that strives to prevent youth-at-risk from getting further involved with crime.

"I used to be like you. Drunk, violent and deadbeat," Simon began in his keynote speech.

"But since those days I've accomplished a lot in my life. Aside from a few NHL goals that I've scored I've beatten the shit out of a lot of hockey players. From what I can remember, I once purposely stepped on Jarkko Ruutu's foot. I also put a stick in Ryan Hollweg's face," he said.

"Um... I cross checked Peter Popovic in the throat. Elbowed Anders Eriksson... I jumped Ruslan Fedotenko and kneed Sergei Zubov. I'm also really proud of myself for calling Mike Grier a nigger. Man, it was really awkward when we played on the same team for a while. But anyways," Simon said.

The NHLer spent 40 minutes of his speech drawing attention to his First Nations heritage. He also dedicated ample time to remind everyone that he had a wife and children. By the time Simon's speech was over the audience was in love with him. Some members of the audience went as far as to shower him in rose petals.

A 15 year-old who cannot be identified due to the Canadian Young Offender's Act braved a question for Simon:

"What were you thinking when you slashed Hollweg in the face and stepped on Ruutu's foot?"

Simon responded:

"In the Hollweg incident I was just really mad. I needed to vent my frustration, you know? What does the NHL expect me to do? Deal with my problems in an honourable and responsible way? That's just absurd!"

"As for Ruutu... My whole life, I never liked it when someone got 'picked on.' That's why I'm an enforcer in the NHL. Any time I don't like what's going on, get angry, or even if my team is losing in a bad game, I'll just start beating people up."

"I hope that made sense," he said, and then left the podium.

Unfortunately because Simon took so long the social workers who were supposed to provide inspirational lectures did not have time to speak at the anti-violence workshop.

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