Sunday, February 17, 2008

Zaun Offers Steroids Denial Advice

Inspired by Paul Byrd's example, Gregg Zaun entered the book industry last week by publishing a self-help guide geared towards MLB players. The publisher, Random Syringe Ltd., expects the book to surge in sales as soon as 98% of MLB drug users re-grow the size of their balls and prepare to speak out publicly.

The book comes in a box set. The contents of the box are as follows:

- 1 self-help guide
- 30 vials of truth juice
- 70 syringes
- 55 guaze pads
- 80 band-aids
- FREE six pack of Miller Lite

After violently threatening the publishers the Linesman eventually acquired the rights to publish excerpts from this genre-bending book. We are so proud to deliver another award-winning Linesman exclusive:

Are you in the Mitchell Report? Has your name been linked to steroids? Do you like hot dogs? If you answered yes to these three questions then this book is for you. Think back and ask yourself: did I really take steroids or HGH? Now before you panic just breathe deeply and say: "No, I didn't." You know why? Because it's not true. You and I are professional baseball players. Why should we have anything to do with steroids? My name is Gregg Zaun and allow me to inject you with the knowledge...

Only approach the media when you're ready. When you do, you'll probably be asked the following question: "Did you ever take steroids or human growth hormone?"

This question will probably catch you off guard so you have to prepare yourself in answering it. Although extremely straighforward, the question is very deceptive. The answer could be yes, no, maybe, probably, sometimes, etc. So you want to make sure that you don't give the wrong answer. Below are a list of suggestions that advise you on how to tackle this complicated question:

Did you ever take steroids or human growth hormone?

- Accentuate the nasal "aw" sound when you give your answer. Draw it out, preferably 5 to 8 seconds long. If you want to appear confident, follow this suggestion.

Uh, Nope.
- If you're "a man of small words," then this method is for you. Give this answer quickly and only in one breath. No more than a second long. Make the "uh" sound like you're saying: "uh, you're stupid."

Hmmm... I don't ever remember taking steroids, so I guess the answer is no.
- This is the most lawful way to respond. If you demonstrate that you don't remember then that means that you didn't do it, period. Great way to convince anyone of anything.

Never, I swear I never did 'em.
- This is a great way to deny steroid allegations if you're from the South. Say it in your best southern drawl. Show a lot of pride in your tone. If you see a leg of fried chicken around you, grab it and wave it in the air as you speak.

Isn't it obvious? No.
- If you want to look pissed off use this answer. Appearing angry will work in your favour because it'll show that you care about the truth. To add even more anger in your tone sigh deeply before beginning this answer.

- If you like science fiction or building models then this answer is for you. Wear glasses during the interview, especially if you're not seen in glasses often. If you don't need glasses then buy fake ones. Play up your geeky personality in order to gain the public's sympathy and then say this answer like you "really mean it."

I have never violated MLB's drug policy or failed any drug tests.
- This is my preferred way to answer the question but by no means is it the best. I chose to use this method because it gets right to the point: that I never failed a drug test.

In conclusion, don't say "no" when asked the question. It sounds dishonest...

The Linesman graciously thanks Random Syringe Ltd. for the rights to re-distribute the excerpts seen above.

No comments: