Monday, February 18, 2008

Media Interviews Pitcher Eric Gagne

Our Linesman reporter Soo Min-ji was among the hundreds who gathered at Eric Gagne's Steroids Apology Conference yesterday. As you've probably heard, Mr. Gagne was named in the Mitchell Report. The media has eagerly anticipated a public address from Gagne since the initial Report was released in late 2007.

Media: Mr. Gagne, are you going to apologize to your fans for cheating and deceiving them?
Gagne: Non. Je suis un grand sac de douche.
Media: Mr. Gagne, could you please speak in English? We respect your French-Canadian identity, but we, the media, want to make sure that your American and English-speaking Canadian fans understand how apologetic you are.
Gagne: Sucez mes testicules, retardés anglais.
Media: Your words are so moving. Capture our hearts even further by telling us something about your French-Catholic family.
Gagne: Ma famille forcera la banane dans votre vagin.
Media: Life truly is beautiful, wow. Now tell us, did you actually use HGH?
Gagne: HGH mon anus. Vous êtes une tête de merde.
Media: So you're just as innocent as Roger Clemens says he is?
Gagne: Roger et vous pouvez sucer mon pénis.
Media: You've definitely given us the impression that you're innocent. It's too bad that this steroids scandal has become a distraction, eh?
Gagne: Vous est des cheveux pubiens. Mangez mon érection, la chienne!
Media: Thanks Mr. Gagne for apologizing in such style. You're still a hometown hero.
Gagne: Au revoir, prostituée.

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