Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Clemens Pleads Vanity

Using a hammer and a chisel, our Linesman reporter Ted Sanders recorded the transcript of Roger Clemens' final comments during today's courtroom appearance. As always, we are proud to exceed beyond our competitors by bringing you the most up-to-date and accurate sports reports:

A few days ago I testified before a grand jury.

I answered their questions truthfully, including questions about my buttocks. Questions nobody would ever want to answer.

Still, I will not take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I might as well just bake a pizza, take a giant shit on it, dress it with corn, and then deliver it to you instead of continue talking. But I think you would much rather prefer the sound of my voice over the smell of my shit.

As you know, in my interview on 60 minutes, I was asked questions about my relationship with HGH and steroids. While my answers were legally accurate, I did not tell the truth. You follow me?

Indeed, I did have a relationship with HGH that was not appropriate. However, it didn’t really constitute a critical lapse in judgment or a personal failure on my part because I’m "the Rocket."

While on the subject of myself, I beg to ask: why doesn’t anyone like me any more? I don’t give false impressions. Didn’t you see me handing out free autographed baseballs earlier before we entered court and got all serious? I dedicated an hour from my busy schedule to sign those balls before arriving on Capitol Hill.

Let me tell you something. There are two kinds of truths: the real truth and then my truth. You take a look at my records, at my legacy, at my "foundation." Look at my four children whose names all begin with the letter K. You can even take a look at my hot wife posing in a swimsuit magazine. And THEN try and convince me that you don’t have the heart to believe me.

Can we break for lunch after this?

Photo credit: Rudy C. Jones

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