Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Spielberg Fired, Beijing Searches for Replacement Director

For majority of the world that wasn't aware, Steven Spielberg was actually (yes, actually) slated to direct the opening ceremony of the 2008 Beijing Olympics. That plan changed yesterday, however, when the Beijing Olympic committee unanimously decided to terminate Spielberg's contract and schedule a private execution.

"God damnit, where's my jet, I want to go home -" said Spielberg over the phone to his wife in the 15 seconds he was allowed with his one phone call.

Reportedly, Chinese guards beat Spielberg over the back of the neck with batons before he could finish his message. The phone dangled by its cord as the director was taken back to the Great Wall of China, the location of his imprisonment.

The Chinese government claims that they were justified in firing and imprisoning Spielberg because his directorial vision for the opening ceremony was "nothing but a self-absorbed tribute to his legacy and trashy American ideals of capitalism."

The US embassy was notified of the arrest.

"We heard about the incident so naturally we felt a sense of alarm," said US embassy diplomat Steven McFarlen.

"But after we saw the storyboards that Mr. Spielberg created we sided with the Chinese and ignored the issue," finished McFarlen.

The storyboards, which were on display at Tiananmen Square until they were trampled over by military tanks moments ago, called for a gymnastics performance by ET replica robots. The story boards also indicated for the creation of an aquarium full of acrobatic jumping sharks, and a re-creation of the Munich Olympic bombings. The closing of the ceremony was scheduled to end with velociraptors chasing the athletes out of the stadium.

It is still unknown whether Beijing has found a replacement director. However, sources do indicate that Michael Bay was kidnapped from his home yesterday evening.

1 comment:

The Sports Hernia said...

Spielberg was an artistic adviser for the Olympics? Wow, with that news, can everyone please get royally fucked?

And I'm glad he dropped out, what an enormous ass-douche-clown-bag.