General Managers from across the National Hockey League are currently meeting for three days in Naples, Florida, to determine if the league needs any rules changed. They will obviously discuss the subject of fighting, along with the subjects of women and the literary works of Lord Alfred Tennyson.
"The NHL does not need to change. We're the only professional sports league in North America that still allows its own players to voluntarily injure opponents with the use of brute force. But that doesn't make us look outdated. It makes us look really classy," said Anaheim GM Brian Burke.
Overall game-length has also become an issue lately because some games are beginning to drag out to as long as 4 hours in length.
"I think the most logical solution to this problem is to increase the amount of fighting," said hockey operations co-ordinator Collin Campbell.
All of the GMs showed signs of agreement towards Campbell's wise advice.
"But how do we increase fighting?" asked a confused Anaheim GM Brian Burke.
"Well, I was thinking... In light of Richard Zednik's recent 'ah there's blood spurting everywhere' neck injury, we should encourage the players to cut each others' necks with their skate blades," Campbell said.
"But how?" said Oilers GM Kevin Lowe while scratching his neck.
"Teach them all how to do handstands! Just aim for the neck. The crowd will go nuts for the blood. Our games will also finally be included in ESPN's highlight reels."
"But wasn't Zednik's injury undesirable and tragic?" asked Toronto's Cliff Fletcher.
"Well you see, it's only tragic because he got 'zednecked' by accident. If it was done on purpose the crowd would have loved it. Besides, blood and force is the NHL's philosophy," Campbell finished.
Sylvester Stallone was contacted the following day and hired to instruct all the goons in the NHL, one by one, on how to perform a handstand on ice.
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