Thursday, January 3, 2008

Person of the Year: Michael Vick


Dear readers,

I, editor-in-chief Liz Oak, veto all the other votes from fellow Linesman writers and singlehandedly declare Michael Vick as the best athlete of 2007. Roger Federer is a dick. Who the fuck voted for him? I hate this new staff.

Anyways. You might suspect that we're giving Vick this honour because we financially sponsor Bad Newz Kennels. Um no. That's not true. If Bad Newz sponsored us then that would be a different story.

Mr. Vick isn't a fucking loser like some of the players that played/play for America's drug league, Major League Baseball. I mean, dogfighting and dog sex is pretty low. But at least the man goes down with dignity. Note: Vick was caught and he didn't fight the charges (despite the fact that his dogs are experienced in combat).

There's something honourable about that because everyone else fights the truth at the expense of our patience. Even though Vick's apology was as entertaining as listening to me impersonate dolphins, he earns our respect. He earns extra points for enrolling in animal empathy classes. What a keener.

Other notable mentions include:

Best Public Apology: Paul Byrd

Best Athlete to Ascend into Heaven: Alex Rodriguez

Hottest ass (Over 40 category): Roger Clemens

Hottest ass (Under 10 category): Roger Clemens' daughter

Most Likely to Establish A Stalinist Personality Cult: Sidney Crosby

Most Convincing Liar: Barry Bonds

Most Popular Subject of Secret Sexual Fantasies: That guy, he plays on the New England Patriots. What's his fucking name?

Mostly likely drunk at this very moment: Chris Simon

Stupidest List: This one

Most likely to have butt sex with Jiri Tlusty in an alley: Don Cherry

Athlete Most Jealous of Jason Blake's Leukemia: Bryan McCabe

Sports Publication Most Likely To Get Sued for using copyrighted images: The Linesman

Athlete Whose Photo Most People Masturbated To: Michelle Wie (Runner up Jiri Tlusty)

Athlete Who Looks Most Like David Beckham: David Beckham

Photo credit: Janiri Tuluski of the Toronto Trapezoids (That's a team in the WNHL, duh). She posed for us for $40. That price didn't even include the sweet sex she offered. Well, we just raped her. Then killed her.


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