Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Excerpts From 60 Minutes

On January 6th, some old man in a grey suit asked Roger Clemens a bunch of trick questions on a television show called "60 minutes." Yes, we too thought that "60 Minutes" was a porn flick but it's actually just a boring game show where no one wins any money (the contestants don't win any respect either).

Since it actually costs money to have the rights to show excerpts of 60 minutes on one's web page The Linesman is unable to provide any video footage of the interview. Our field reporter, Ted Sanders, asked Mr. Clemens some questions before and after the interview but we have actually lost contact with Ted. If you hear or see him please notify us immediately. He has missed his deadline.

So, due to our incompetence we are only able to provide a script of the interview. The truth finally comes out:

Old man in grey suit: I think there are machines now that can determine if a person is lying or not. Have you heard of these magical things?

The wrongfully accused tool: Forget the lie detector. [drinks from his water bottle] My wife come home with a new one from BestBuy yesterday and I yell "take it back!" What is a machine anyways? Can you trust them? Remember what The Matrix was about? If a machine doesn't have feelings then it can't have innocence, which means it doesn't know what truth is.

OMIGS: Hypothetically speaking, if you took steroids, and if steroids morphed your body significantly, and you could choose to have an extra body part, what extra body part would you most prefer to have?

TWAT: You know what? [drinks from his water bottle] You can see the truth just by looking at me. Do I have a third ear growing out of my forehead? No. Can I pull a tractor with my teeth? No. Look at me! I'm a wealthy, arrogant, fat and lazy baesball player who is wrongly accused of taking steroids. That's what the truth is. I'm just like one of them minorities but my skin ain't dark and I'm handsome.

OMIGS: Even after these steroids allegations, do you consider baseball your favourite sport?

TWAT: I've dedicated my whole life to the game of baseball. You know what I did last season with the Yankees? I just played whenever I felt like it. I said "fuck training camp, I'll be at the cottage!" And the year before that, [takes a sip from his water bottle] I didn't go on any road games with the Astros. I've even named each of my kids names that begin with the letter "K." It's such a mystery to me why no one respects me.

OMIGS: Wait a second, are you even answering my questions?

TWAT: It didn't happen. It didn't happen. [drinks some water] It just didn't happen. It just just just just [drinks a brown fluid] just didn't happen happen [lights a cigarette] didn't it didn't happen. Happen [feeds his Tamagotchi] didn't no just happen no didn't just happen HAPPEN.

OMIGS: What just happened?

TWAT: Can I say one more thing.

OMIGS: Well sure but it better be fast because your 60 minutes are up.

TWAT: Jesus. And I have a foundation. And I have a family. My kids are sad. They're hurt. Ahem, Jesus.

The old man in the grey suit is an anchor on the popular show "60 Minutes." Send him an email at if you have any comments or suggestions. Although you should hurry with that email because he is scheduled to die in three days.


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Oak said...

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