American Government Reveals Controversial "Athlete's Status"

When living in the land of the free, it is possible to apply for refugee, asylum or temporary protected status. Now if you’re a college or professional athlete, you may be eligible for “All-American Hero status.”

“Refugee status is always temporary,” said the Honourable Jonathan Price, director of US National Immigration. “This status is permanent. It is meant to recognize our glorious sports heroes. To remind them that we appreciate their hard work,” he added.

Under this new law, any American college or pro athlete with this status may:

A. Skip to the front of any line (Including at banks, Government buildings, movie theatres and grocery stores)

B. Invite an infinite number of strippers (male or female) to attend a team party (The government will cover the cost of the strippers).

C. Request the media to perpetually portray his or her persona in a positive light, regardless of the severity of the scandal.

D. Walk naked in public parks and beaches.

All black athletes, including Donovan McNabb, Michael Vick and Barry Bonds do not get the privilege of article “C,” however. The reason for this exemption is unknown, and apparently, unmotivated.