Bob "haha-you-can't-see-my-eyes" McCown, reknown sports broadcaster in Toronto, has been hospitalized recently.
"The fucking lights at the FAN 590 are way too bright, damnit," said an angry McCown from his hospital bed. "My poor, sensitive retinas! Ooooh, they hurt so much!"
He was unable to appear on air yesterday because he was trapped in a janitorial closet for four hours.
"I partially lost my eyesight. I went into this door thinking it was my office. It locked on me and I was stuck. So I just used a mop as a dildo and had sex with myself until they found me," said McCown. "I'm fucking pissed."
Bob is expected to recover in four months. To prevent further workplace injury, he has ordered a pair of sunglasses that are five times darker.