In a period of time when several professional athletes and officials have been caught cheating, the MLB, thankfully, stands out as the definitive "clean" league.
"No suspicious MLB player has ever tested positive for steroids. I mean, we only started testing last year or whatever, but still, we're totally clean," chirped commissioner Bud Selig. "Now we're just going to make sure the umpires are doing their job."
The umpire association has squacked about having to get background checks to find any signs of suspicious gambling.
"All of the decisions we make are objectional," said Rapheal Quando, president of the MLB Umpires Association. "There is no such thing as a bad call in baseball. Baseball is not a subjectional sport like figure skating."
"You have to be really stupid to assume that umpires have the power to manipulate the outcome of a game," finished Quando.
Quando was unavailable for further comment because he flew off to the Umpires Association annual get together in Las Vegas.