Bonds Makes History: Takes Record Amount of Steroids Without Killing Family

If you call Barry Bonds' home today, much like The Linesman has, someone will definitely pick up on the other end.

"We're alive," said Mrs. Bonds over the phone.

Bonds has accomplished an amazing feat: he has taken an excessive amount of steroids but has not murdered his entire family.

"It's incredible," said MLB commissioner Bud Selig. "Even his enemies are alive - which includes everyone outside of his family because he has very few friends."

Bonds was very proud of himself: "I am the best. Everyone else sucks," he said. "Fuck you, artards."