Gretzky Becomes American, Breaks Modano's Record

Mike Modano's "Most points by an American" celebration came to an adrupt hault with the news of Wayne Gretzky gaining American citizenship.

"I've finally discovered that I'm actually American," said Gretzky yesterday, just after receiving his citizenship status.

"My wife's American, my children are American... I am American. I can't hide it any more. This is a terrible secret that I can't keep from the public," he said while weeping.

This automatically means that Modano is no longer the American points leader in NHL history.

"I have no regrets," said Modano yesterday as he was funnelling a bottle of Champagne.

"I was gonna get drunk tonight either way. I think everyone should be American. It's the best way to go. Esepcially for Wayne," Mike said.

Timberlake and Jackson Scheduled to Re-enact Nipple Flash At 2007 Grey Cup

“The bottom line is that we need viewers. We need money too,” said Grey Cup manager Brad Watters.

“I think this is the best way to draw in the ratings and the crowd. And of course, whatever the Americans do, that’s always a good model to follow,” finished Watters.

Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson have both agreed to reprise their roles as half-time exhibitionists.

“I'm grateful that God is of unconditional love,” said Jackson yesterday, apparently referring to the Grey Cup.

“I think it’s cool that Canada wants to copy America,” stated Justin Timberlake. “It’s actually pretty flattering, you know?”

In addition to stripping, Timberlake and Jackson will be singing a sentimental ballad entitled: “Don’t Forget To Watch The Game.”