Wednesday, November 12, 2008

NHL Creates Death Penalty

Last Saturday, the Montreal-Toronto hockey game featured a friendly hit by Tom Kostopolous on Toronto's Mike Van Ryn. Van Ryn suffered a concussion (as-yet unknown grade), a broken nose, a broken bone in his hand, a gash to the forehead and damage to his teeth and gums.

"I love hospitals so I really don't mind," Van Ryn said yesterday.

"There's nothing better than blanking out. It's really fun and trippy, you know? After all, doctor's say that concussions are good for the brain. I can't say how much I appreciate what Tom did to me," Van Ryn finished, before falling unconscious on his hospital bed.

Tom Kostopoulos suffered a three game suspension.

"Three games? That's ridiculous. I only gave him a concussion, and a couple of other broken things, you know. What ever happened to giving players NO suspensions after hits like that? This pussy NHL of today sucks," Kostopoulos said, while eating a gyro.

To the surprise of many, the NHL has also begun investigating the possibility of an even more severe punishment system to punish players who deal "hits to the head."

"We call it the hits to the head incurring death suspension. Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?" said league disciplinarian Collin Campbell.

The ultra-severe punishment is meant to punish players whose hits to the head cause death.

"If a player dies during a game as a result of a hit to the head, the aggressor will receive a five game suspension and a $500 US fine. We're hoping this threat will send a message to the players of the league."

"Whatever, punishing players severely for hits to the head is still really stupid," said a defiant Kostopoulos.

We are not giving any credit to the Florida Department of Corrections for that photo.

No comments: