Thursday, June 19, 2008

The Linesman Discovers Deadlines

Dear Legions of Fans,

Despite what you might think, The Linesman is still in business. Our operations have merely been retarded during the past few weeks due to an on-going police investigation at our offices. We sincerely apologize. The Toronto Police Force suspects that our prestigious organization was involved in the gun violence that recently ravaged Toronto. Yes, we too had the same reaction: rubbish!

It seems like the cops won't leave us alone until they plant the evidence find the bodies. That will obviously never happen (because no one at The Linesman is a criminal) so you should expect delays to become as frequent as teenage pregnancy.

There is some good news, however. While I was fake-praying in the shower yesterday I managed to convince God to give me some ideas about how to handle the situation. Guess what, He answered me! I will impose deadlines on my writing staff. I'm reluctant to change my current write-shit-to-avoid-execution system, but I suppose change is necessary sometimes.

The Linesman will be updated sometime every Monday and Thursday. If my incompetent writing staff publishes something in between, consider yourself lucky.

hugs and fellatio,
Liz Oak, editor-in-chief

We have absolutely no reason (or right) to display the picture above.

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