The NHL is currently in the swift process of changing all of its contact addresses, including both its email and snail-mail.
"We can no longer be approached electronically or through the postal service. You will literally have to visit our offices in person and throw your fists at our receptionist," said Director of Hockey Operations, Colin Campbell.
"Physical aggression is the only possible way we can accept any form of message," Campbell finished, before punching our own reporter in the nose.
The NHL further explained this new "no email, no snail-mail" policy in the form of a blood stained letter on its official website. Reportedly, the digitally scanned note was written with the blood of Gary Bettman. Excerpts from the letter read:
"... because this is the NHL and not just any other ordinary sports league we should be able to communicate using brute force. Activities such as talking or negotiating are not normally practiced in the NHL, neither on nor off the ice. Furthermore, we wish to continue our proud tradition of 'violent complaint' philosophy."
"If you have a complaint we don't want to hear it. We want to feel it in the form of punches, kicks, slashes, and vertebrae-breaking karate chops. It is utterly impossible to contact us unless you do it physically and violently."
A day after the new policy was put into motion several concerned pedestrians walked by the NHL headquarters in fear of their own safety. Lawyers, business men, marketers and Eric Lindros were all in and around the headquarters fighting with each other.
Several 911 calls were made. The police stormed to the scene, haulted their cruisers infront of the NHL headquarters and simply watched the spectacle.
The NHL is a struggling league barely clinging onto its fat fans. Despite the fact we have no right to display its logo, the NHL secretly appreciates the publicity.