Thursday, March 27, 2008

Hockey Law Makes Pickton Acquittal Inevitable

Defence lawyers of Robert Pickton, British Columbia's pig-farming serial killer, have discovered a loophole in the Canadian justice system that could provide Pickton with a "get out of jail" card.

"Forensic scientists neglected the fact that Pickton, much like every normal Canadian, had a homemade outdoor hockey rink on his property," said defence lawyer Miles Edgeworth.

"Forensic samples of purified ice indicate that a significant number of the murders took place on Pickton's ice rink. This complicates the entire trial because Section 42, article B of the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms states that, and I quote, 'the hockey rink is a sanctuary for fighting and violence. Any of the preceding events, as long as committed on a hockey rink, are strictly non punishable by law,'" Edgeworth said.

Family members of the victims of the Pickton murders have rightfully voiced their concern and discomfort with the idea of Pickton receiving a lighter sentence. However, these complaints have been silenced and totally ignored due to the extremely logical arguments put forward by wise critics.

"If you remove the clause that allows violence on the hockey rink then we're left with no choice but to change hockey. The problem is, however, that physical assault is part of the game! In fact, fighting and violence is so inseparable from hockey that it is completely impossible to play hockey without being allowed to fight," said Don Cherry.

"As awful as violence is, we can't let the government steal our right to commit violent acts on ice. Not letting Canadians fight in hockey is like taking away Americans' guns. We're extremely nice, peace-keeping people but we can only uphold this national identity if we let our violent subconscious loose on ice," Cherry finished.

Pickton's re-trial will commence in six months. In the mean time, serial killers and wife-beaters across the country have flocked to local hockey rinks to go about their business.

Photo Generously Donated by: National Post

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