NHL Commissioner Has Strategy To Increase Violence, Increase TV Ratings

No longer will the NHL be mistaken for "Disney on Ice." From now on, it's pure violence.

"We're going to make the role of the 'goon,' or 'enforcer,' a little more important," said commissioner Gary Bettman. According to his new plan, enforcer players (team mates who are mainly used to hurt opponents and intimidate smaller and more talented players) will be allowed to play with a hockey stick that contains a sharp, metal blade.

"We still haven't decided whether the blade on the stick will be serrated or not. It'll definitely be sharp enough to cut a steak, though," added Bettman. "We anticipate more blood, more gore. This is what NHL hockey was meant to be like."

Immediately following the announcement, NHL ticket sales soared throughout struggling hockey markets in the United States. ESPN also noticed an increase in TV ratings. Let the blood and the cash flow!