God Interested In Acquiring A-Rod

God, the supreme being who created us all, sent Scott Boras a message through the angel Gabriel last night.

"It happened while I was having a money fight with Alex Rodriguez," began Boras.

"I was so close to winning the fight. I just needed to cover Alex with a few more million in cash, when all of a sudden, a burst of light appeared in the corner of the room. It was an angel. It was beautiful," he said.

According to Boras the angel said that Jesus' baseball team in heaven, the "Nazareth Apostles," was in desperate need of a hitter who is on the verge of becoming a baseball legend.

"We can't lose to Satan's team two years in a row. It's embarrassing. Half the saints on our team are too busy answering prayers," God said in the message.

Boras' decision is still unknown at this point. What we do know, though, is that Mariano Rivera has grown extremely jealous that God hasn't asked him to play on Jesus' baseball team.

"Does Alex quote scripture on his baseball glove? No. I do. It should be me," stated Rivera yesterday in a convincing accent.

Boras Demands Hank Steinbrenner's Soul In Exchange For A-Rod

A-Rod isn't settling for a cheap contract. In fact, he has so much money that he's not interested in getting paid any more.

"It is my ultimate goal to live forever, and I can only do that if I begin collecting peoples' souls," said Rodriguez yesterday in a message sent by an angel.

Scott Boras, Rodriguez's agent, has repeatedly stated the contract terms.

"Steinbrenner, my client demands your soul. Nothing less, nothing more. Nevermore," said Boras.

"You'll be perfectly functional without a soul during your lifetime. But when you die, you'll be used as Satan's enema. That's the only catch. My advice, do what the fans tell you to do," finished Boras.

Reportedly, a witchdoctor is on hand to perform the soul removing operation and cultivation procedure. Steinbrenner's final decision is still unknown.