The Linesman

Don Cherry: Advocate of Hockey Violence?

2009-12-15T12:22:00.008-05:00

I am a lazy bitch. I don't work for anyone, so this blog gets updated when I feel like it. Well something has recently happened in the media regarding hockey and bullshit. In case you're out of the loop, I've pasted a fragment from a news article that will get you up to speed:

* * *

Dr. Charles Tator, a Toronto neurosurgeon, made the comment in front of about 150 people at a Hockey Canada concussion seminar being held in Regina.

The doctor said there's been too much emphasis on the "sock 'em, kill 'em type of hockey."

Tator says Cherry helped with a campaign many years ago to prevent broken necks and it would help if Cherry could now take a strong stand against hits to the head.

While Cherry is a long-time advocate of physical play in hockey, he's also championed rule and equipment initiatives to improve player safety.

He has also complained on air about the lack of respect among players as well as some hits that he considers dangerous.

* * *

Cherry, much like his stupid dog, has barked back. His yelps have echoed throughout the Canadian media. Check out the article about that here.

What does Don Cherry say in response to Tator, the neurosurgeon?

"I don’t give a [expletive] about him, I don’t give a [expletive] about him."

There is an issue of whether or not the "tape was rolling." Well, it was. The clip was recorded and I believe it's available on youtube. Way to go Cherry, very professional of you. Update your 75-year old mind. People are recording things everywhere and stuff gets uploaded onto youtube in minutes.

COME ON!? Do we need to review all of the tapes that clearly show Cherry advocating hockey fighting and violence? Check out the one I embedded in this post. Cherry here rightly criticizes Avery for his stupid instigating behaviour. Okay, fair. Avery is a pest and a problem. That kind of behaviour does not belong in any sport.

Cherry's suggestion for Avery's antics?

Dress Wade Belak so that he can beat the shit out of "this midget."

Again, what ever happened to being professional? Cherry is a clown. It is unacceptable to call someone a midget on prime time Canadian TV. At approximately 1:00 to about 1:15, Cherry emphasizes that Avery should be "wiped out."

HEY IDIOTS. CHERRY ADVOCATES VIOLENCE AND "LACK OF RESPECT AMONG PLAYERS" IN THIS TV CLIP.

It drives me ABSOLUTELY CRAZY to know that Cherry (and his supporters) can't seem to step back and actually realize what his message is.

Response to comment regarding police brutality = fighting in hockey

2009-07-09T04:28:00.006-04:00

Gawd, I love dialogues. This is what blogs are meant for. Anonymous kindly wrote:

"you obviously have never played or been involved with a competitive hockey team, if so you would know you are completely out of your mind. there is a place for fighting in hockey. read what you just wrote. it is absolutely ridiculous to equate hockey fighting to police brutality. listen to what you saying. you are insane. end of story."

I am often mistaken for an insane person so I consider this a fair criticism. Perhaps I didn't illustrate my argument clearly enough. Mind you, it is an illustration. A metaphor to help illustrate my point. I thought it was kind of clever. But hey, you're more sane than me so you know better.

But wait, maybe I just wasn't clear enough. Yeah, that's it. I didn't take my pills the morning I wrote that original article. I'm full of drugs right now and my thinking is straight, so let's try it again:

1. Hockey enforcers, the finest players of all, enforce "the rules" of the game.

2. The police officers enforce the law. (I'm comparing THE LAW to the RULES OF HOCKEY.)

3. When someone "breaks the law" in hockey, the enforcers (AKA Goons) use their fists and beat the crap out of the offenders.

4. When someone breaks the law in society, police officers attend to the scene. They try to detain offenders by causing the least amount of damage to the suspect as possible. It is never acceptable for a police officer to unnecessarily beat an offender (IE: Rodney King). This is considered to be an abuse of power. Civilized people look down upon it. They call it police brutality.

5. Enforcers, goons - the meanest, stupidest and least skilled hockey players (who also hold the responsibility of enforcing the rules) punish offenders in the game of hockey by using brute force. Punching is the most acceptable method.

So... do you see the parallel? Goons and enforcers are vigilante "heroes" that follow the philosophy of enforcement by brutally beating offenders.

And that's my argument. Above it is the logical evidence that proves my point. What the hell are you shouting at me?

A. That I didn't play competitive hockey.

You're right, I didn't. So what? I have played hockey before. In fact, I went to a hockey skills camp. Did they teach me how to fight? Nope. Hmmm... funny, they called it a hockey skills camp for a reason.

B. That I'm apparently "insane."

Just because I never played in a league doesn't mean that you can write off all of my arguments as "insane." Hey, I'm the one who's arguing that violence is bad. I actually think you're insane, Anonymous. I'm pretty sure most people agree that violence is bad. For some reason you seem to think otherwise. Check your head, idiot.

-liz

One comment! Yay! And here's my rebuttal...

2009-03-29T05:06:00.003-04:00

"Anonymous" kindly wrote a comment on the blog. Here's what he/she said:

If you don't want your son to see fighting why the hell did you bring him to a hockey game?That's like complaining that a fight broke out at a boxing match you took your son too
March 28, 2009 1:21 AM

I'm sorry, but you are arguing a lost cause. Reason, and critical thinking is on my side of the argument. Here's what our very reasonable writing staff had to say in response:

The Writing Staff said...

Dear reader,Thanks for visiting and taking the time to comment.

Your analogy, "That's like complaing that a fight broke out at a boxing match," proves nothing.

First, I know what to expect out of boxing. Fighting. Punches, blows, blood, bruises. Some ugly stuff. A boxing fan watches boxing because fighting IS the game of boxing.

Hockey is about skating, shooting, passing, etc. This is acceptable for young children to watch. But then these idiotic, unexplainable fights break out and that is not acceptable for kids to see (Just as that one father on the Toronto Star website pointed out).

Fighting has unfortunately become "a part of the game" of hockey because a culture of violence has been tolerated for many decades. People like you accept fighting in hockey because hockey fans have turned their brains off and failed to evaluate this idiotic culture of violence critically.

You believe it is essential to the game of hockey only because it is a tradition. My mission is to show you that fighting is not necessary in hockey. Traditions needs to be evaluated all the time to make sure that society isn't doing or tolerating something stupid when it shouldn't

I won't take my kid to a boxing match or an MMA match because it's not kids entertainment. It's meant for adults who have the capacity to understand that the sport involves fighting and blood. And you know what? I have no problem with that. You don't have an argument. Boxing is different than hockey because it is all about fighting. Currently, the NHL accepts fighting and my whole argument is that it's a very big problem.

Ok, now my turn to give you some advice:If you love fighting so much, why do you bother watching hockey? Shouldn't you be a boxing fan instead? You must be really bored during hockey games because fighting only happens about 10% of the time, if not less. How do you tolerate 90% of quality skill and play, and anxiously await for a brawl to erupt?

Try really hard to look at this logical argument:

A. Fighting is not acceptable for children to watch.
B. Boxing involves fighting.
C. Children should not be allowed to watch boxing.

* * *

Now change B and C so that it looks like this:

B. Hockey involves fighting.
C. Children should not be allowed to watch hockey.

Franky, that is the truth. As long as violence is tolerated, I will not let me children play or watch hockey. And if they do want to watch it, I will take a lot of time to explain that the fighting part is very, very, very stupid.

I'm ready for a rebuttal any time. Thanks for commenting, and if you're a visitor and you have something to say, please, comment!!!! I'd love to hear what you think. No matter what side of the argument you're on.

Through The Eyes Of A Small Child

2009-02-08T21:24:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I can't articulate the argument well enough. I was reading some comments on Damien Cox's blog, "The Spin," and stumbled upon a fantastic posting. Here it is:

"I never had a problem with fighting in hockey and used to cheer a good donnybrook as much as the next guy. Then, I became a dad and took my 3 year old son to a Jr. B game. When a fight broke out, he became very quiet and concerned and asked me why they were hitting each other. I didn't have a good answer.

"Try justifying violence against another individual to a child - you simply can't. I know that there are nuances to the game in its current incarnation that support compelling arguments for why it's necessary to protect one's teammates by dropping the gloves, but surely the rules can be enforced in a manner that make fighting unnecessary. Certainly, seeing a hockey fight occur through the eyes of a small child changed my perspective.

Hockey is an absolutely great game, and would still be so if fighting was banned outright."

The author's name is James and that's just about all the credit I can give. Can you disagree with him? I would be interested to see someone even try. His story is clear example of why fighting is stupid. Inappropriate behaviour doesn't have a place in a sport that children typically play and watch. The NHL has to choose whether it's a top-4 professional sports league, or a pay-per-view fighting league like MMA. The half time fighting show needs to end now.

Fighting In Hockey = Police Brutality

2009-02-04T22:03:00.001-05:00

I'm not done with Paul Kelly. I respect him for re-evaluating some of the aspects of fighting in hockey, but I still think he's an idiot. He's missing the big picture, along with the rest of the goon army of dog-brained fighting fuckers.

I wish I had an audio recording of him speaking this. I wonder whether he talks as loud as Don Cherry. Here's some more of Kelly's wisdom:

"... when you have guys in there to protect the star players, the skill players, the people fans pay good money to go watch, it deters that type of conduct, it protects those star players... It actually, in many respects, reduce[s] the amount of violence in our sport."

BULL SHIT!

First of all, why are there unskilled players in the league? How did they get there? Why is the system so demented that we need mediocre players who are only useful because they're stupid enough to love to fight? GMs actually bypass skilled players in the draft in order to recruit less skilled players? The system stinks of irrationality.

Under Kelly's logic, "fans pay good money to [watch skilled players]." So then why doesn't the league comprise 100% of skilled players? Why must 20% of players in the NHL be enforcers, when they could all be good play makers and scorers? If the NHL was all talent, then according to Kelly's logic, there would be more fans. Because after all, NHL fans pay good money to watch skilled players. I can speak for myself. I tend to not watch hockey when the goons take the ice and shit on it.

Kelly has absolutely no evidence that fighting in hockey = less violence. The NHL has never experimented. The Olympics doesn't allow fighting, and things seem to be going on fine there. What about all the other leagues around the world? They seem to get along fine, too. I would be interested to see an investigation about whether Kelly's hypothesis, enforcing/self-policing/fighting = less violence in hockey. I don't buy it. It's a load of crap and he's just shitting out of his mouth when he says it.

I'm going to end this post with a thought: If fighting in hockey serves the "crucial" purpose of "self policing," then Kelly is a supporter of police brutality. Since when do the police have a right to beat the shit out of offenders? Jail criminals, punish criminals, educate criminals, but don't physically harm them. What good does that do, other than fulfil a thirst for inflicting pain? Violence is not the answer to curbing violence or crime. The day our police force is allowed to beat criminals, that's when I'll accept fighting in hockey.

suck my tits,
Liz Oak

Straight Talk

2009-02-04T21:28:00.000-05:00

Hi. The format of this blog is changing. It was a satire, but now it's going straight. No more of "I'm trying to be clever, funny and critical at the same time." That didn't seem to make an impact and I feel like it's time to be more forward.

I still think fighting in hockey is extremely stupid so I'm not closing up shop. If you want to revisit some of the articles in this blog, please do. I sincerely believe some of them stand out as good satirical pieces.

ANYWAYS.

Don Sanderson is dead. He played for the Whitby Dunlops. Google his name to find out more if you don't know. This event has re-energized the fighting debate in such a powerful way that the NHLPA is wants to evaluate some of the fighting rules. I won't stop arguing until fighting is completely abolished so I'm not that excited yet.

I want to quote the head of the NHL Player's Association, Paul Kelly, because he makes an unbelievable amount of sense:

"Fighting isn't just there for some gratuitous reason. It's there because there's a need to self police, there's a need to protect those kinds of players in our sport. And I think that if you get rid of fighting, you're going to have some consequences that are very unfortunate."

Gratuitous, eh? That's a word that doesn't get tossed around enough in this debate, because it should! Of course fighting is gratuitous. Let's look at his first reason:

"there's a need to self police"

Why? Aren't refs, technically, police? And why is there a need to have a "self-police"? Shouldn't the players have enough sense not to hurt each other in the first place? Is hockey so bankrupt of sportsmanship that players cannot resist making "dirty plays" and "dirty hits?"

Here's an argument: The culture of fighting encourages dirty plays.

Digest that thought for a moment.

For instance, let's pretend I'm a solid player who makes a "questionable" hit on a superstar. The result is that the superstar is out with a broken bone or some other wonderful ailment for more than a month. The same two teams meet again and some kind of fight breaks out. Fight ends, people get excited and that's the end of the whole cycle.

Unless the league punishes dirty hits, foul play will continue because THE ONLY PUNISHMENT IS A BRAWL. And brawls, apparently, are entertaining. So brawls will never end, and dirty plays will never end.

This, by definition, is what the NHL's brilliant policy of "self-policing" is. I've got a better idea, why not just cut to the chase and call it BULLYING. That's what it is, really. An endless, idiotic, time wasting cycle of adult men bullying and hurting each other. If you're lucky, sometimes you'll see a game without the childishness.

NHL Creates Death Penalty

2008-11-12T02:56:00.003-05:00

Last Saturday, the Montreal-Toronto hockey game featured a friendly hit by Tom Kostopolous on Toronto's Mike Van Ryn. Van Ryn suffered a concussion (as-yet unknown grade), a broken nose, a broken bone in his hand, a gash to the forehead and damage to his teeth and gums.

"I love hospitals so I really don't mind," Van Ryn said yesterday.

"There's nothing better than blanking out. It's really fun and trippy, you know? After all, doctor's say that concussions are good for the brain. I can't say how much I appreciate what Tom did to me," Van Ryn finished, before falling unconscious on his hospital bed.

Tom Kostopoulos suffered a three game suspension.

"Three games? That's ridiculous. I only gave him a concussion, and a couple of other broken things, you know. What ever happened to giving players NO suspensions after hits like that? This pussy NHL of today sucks," Kostopoulos said, while eating a gyro.

To the surprise of many, the NHL has also begun investigating the possibility of an even more severe punishment system to punish players who deal "hits to the head."

"We call it the hits to the head incurring death suspension. Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?" said league disciplinarian Collin Campbell.

The ultra-severe punishment is meant to punish players whose hits to the head cause death.

"If a player dies during a game as a result of a hit to the head, the aggressor will receive a five game suspension and a $500 US fine. We're hoping this threat will send a message to the players of the league."

"Whatever, punishing players severely for hits to the head is still really stupid," said a defiant Kostopoulos.

We are not giving any credit to the Florida Department of Corrections for that photo.

Hockey Group Sex Is Hot

2008-11-04T05:19:00.005-05:00

It seems like every sports web site of this nature (this is not a blog) is eventually due for this cliche statement: whew, it's been a long while since our last post. It doesn't mean that it's over. Professionals are still playing sports. Reporters are reporting. And we here at The Linesman are still not in jail.

So that's why we'd like to grace you with this newsflash: hockey players have sexually adventurous girlfriends. And there are some hockey coaches who like to take advantage of this.

"In earnest, I probably should have been a producer in the pornography industry," said David Frost, who we will refer to as Jack Frost because it sounds cooler.

Jack Frost is currently on trial because he allegedley organized several group sex sessions that involved players that he coached and their girlfriends. We have a collective staff boner at the moment.

"I grew up during the sex revolution in the 60's. We invented this stuff. Kids these days don't know what they're doing. I felt it was my duty as a coach to get myself involved in the lives of my young players," said Frost.

"Girls are just sexually adventurous, you know? I was a chaperon. It's best for me to watch and direct rather than have the parents there - that would just be downright incestuous! I promote safe sex, by the way. By being in the room with teenagers fucking," said Frost.

It seemed like the defence was doing a great job defending Jack.

"Sex involving, three, four or even five people happens in hockey and these events weren't unique to Mr. Frost's hockey team. The coach's involvement in the group sex is a little new, however, but it still seems perfectly un-creepy to us. And hopefully to you too," said the defence lawyer.

As with every newstory, one always asks the question: what is there to learn out of these events? Well, first of all, if you're looking for some action on a lonely Friday night, just join a hockey team. Secondly, if your coach ever invites himself over to your sex party, tell him to fuck off. No, scratch that. Tell him to stay - as long as he is four times your age.

That photo above. We found it on the internet. Is it yours?

Sundin Finally Decides Future

2008-09-27T02:02:00.006-04:00

In case you haven't noticed, Mats Sundin has been a question mark since the conclusion of the 07-08 NHL season. Fans and journalists have been anticipating Sundin's decision more than the season itself. He announced his decision yesterday in front of a packed press conference.

"Over the summer, while fishing in Sweden, I had an important revelation. People are interested in what I do. What I say," Sundin began. After a pause he continued.

"I want to be a reality TV actor. That is all," Sundin finished and exited the stage.

The Swedish hockey superstar did not entertain questions. Instead, he broadcasted the pilot episode of his new TV show, Wait a Minute, Mats. According to eye witnesses the pilot episode featured a lot of close-up shots with a wide angle lens of Mats Sundin thinking in silence.

"There were a lot of great scenes of him sitting on his fishing boat with the beautiful Swedish horizon in the background. I think this new show is a great way for fans to get a glimpse of how professional hockey players live. I'm looking forward to the next episode," said Damien Cox, hockey reporter for the Toronto Star.

According to the distributor, Toronto's Showcase television channel, Sundin's reality show will follow a very similar format to Wade Belak's hit reality show, Wade a Minute.

"Since Mats Sundin's favourite activity is waiting we decided to build on the concept of the first Maple Leafs-related reality TV show with Mr. Belak," said Steven Tonka, executive producer of Showcase.

"Mats' revelation is indeed startling, to say the least. No matter how little he says, how uninteresting he is, no matter how many times he repeats himself with the most boring and uneventful news about his life, people are always interested in him. Seeing as how he attracted 68% of all sports headlines this past summer he is a serious candidate for Maclean's Magazine's 'Newsmaker of the Year' award," Tonka said.

At the end of the press conference Steven Tonka revealed some details of the special edition version of the DVD release of Wait a Minute, Mats. Apparently the DVD box set will feature a limited edition of a short story written by Sundin entitled: Wait: Think About It Longer. According to a source familiar with the matter, the book is loosely based upon Sundin's experience of waiting to make a career decision in the summer of 2008.

We have no idea where these anti-land mine photos of Mats Sundin are coming from. Sorry, we cannot give any credit to the author of the photo.

Top Ten Moments of Beijing

2008-08-28T01:40:00.003-04:00

The 2008 Beijing Olympics were full of unforgettable moments. There were some low points of course, like that random stabbing, but other than that, the games operated as smoothly as a state-run economy. Because the writers behind The Linesman are the most incredible journalists on the internet, we decided to compile a list of these moments. Behold, here is a list. Replace your memories of the 2008 Olympics with it.

1. Michael Phelps arrives in Bejing.

2. Michael Phelps wins his first gold medal.

3. Michael Phelps eat 36,000 calories worth of Chinese dumplings.

4. Michael Phelps wins his third gold medal.

5. Michael Phelps wins his fourth gold medal, by a hand - mind you.

6. Michael Phelps wins his fifth gold medal.

7. Michael Phelps wins another gold medal.

8. Michael Phelps wins his seventh gold medal.

9. Michael Phelps wins his eighth gold medal.

10. Michael Phelps leaves Beijing, setting a world record for flying the longest distance by flapping one's arms.

We stole the above photo from Adal Voice of Eritreans (yeah, we're probably the only people who would steal from the Eritreans)

LeBron James Interview

2008-08-22T04:26:00.003-04:00

The United States basketball team has been demoted from being a "dream team" to the "redeem team." Nevertheless, the promonent NBA stars that make up the roster are sought-after celebrities in Beijing. We were able to nab one of them, LeBron James, for an intimate interview with our chief-of-interviews, Su Minji. Find out what you've always wanted to know about this superiorly talented person.

Minge: Hi, my name is Su Minji but you can just call me Minge.
LeBron: Hello, Minge.
Minge: Nice to meet you. So is it true: is your name LeBron James?
LeBron: It’s true.
Minge: Now is that French?
LeBron: No, no, it’s black.
Minge: Oh. Ok. But, if that’s your name, why do people call you “King James?”
LeBron: Well that’s my nickname.
Minge: But it’s not your real name, right?
LeBron: That’s right, it’s just a fake name.
Minge: So when someone says, “Hey King James,” you don’t turn your head?
LeBron: Sure I turn my head.
Minge: But I thought you said it wasn’t your name.
LeBron: I said it’s a fake name.
Minge: A pretend name that you answer to?
LeBron: Yes. A nickname.
Minge: Fascinating.
LeBron: Indeed.
Minge: Now, our readers are really anxious to know the truth: are you actually a King?
LeBron: No, it’s just part of my nickname.
Minge: Which isn’t your real name.
LeBron: Yes, you got it.
Minge: So you’re like the King Crab.
LeBron: What do you mean?
Minge: Well, king crabs aren’t kings but we call them kings anyway. King Crab, you know those big crabs that we eat at Chinese restaurant buffets?
LeBron: I suppose you could look at it that way.
Minge: Great. I feel like we’re covering a lot of important points.
LeBron: This is a fantastic interview, Minge.
Minge: Ok, next question: What would you do if you were the king of USA?
LeBron: The United States doesn’t have a king.
Minge: Whatever, just pretend that you were the king of USA. What would you do?
LeBron: I honestly don’t know how to answer that question.
Minge: Well would you own any slaves?
LeBron: I don’t really agree with the concept of slavery so, no.
Minge: Why not?
LeBron: It’s a pretty complicated issue that I won’t get into, thanks.
Minge: Fair enough. Here’s one that I’ve always wondered about: do you own a crown?
LeBron: Look, I don’t mean to be rude, but, I thought we agreed to talk about the Beijing Olympics and the “Redeem Team?”
Minge: Oh, I’m sorry. Hahaha, I guess I’ve spent too much time with the warm-up questions. The rest of the interview will be about basketball.
LeBron: Great, go ahead. Just wanted to make sure we were on track.
Minge: Here we go: do you own a fancy stable?
LeBron: No, I hate animals. Can I ask you a question?
Minge: No. You’re the one being interviewed so you can be quiet and wait for the next question.
LeBron: But –
Minge: Would you ever cut a baby in half?
LeBron: What?!
Minge: King Solomon didn’t, but would you?
LeBron: Listen Minji, you’re a very nice woman and I like your questions, but unless you talk about the “Redeem Team,” I have no interest in continuing.
Minge: Oh but I only had one more question left!
LeBron: Fine. One more. Only if it’s basketball related.
Minge: It is: Because you’re a king, do you own a really nice basketball court?
LeBron: First of all, I’m not a king. Second, yes, I own a basketball court. It’s on the roof of my mansion in Orlando.
Minge: Great. Thanks for doing this interview. I had a great time… not really.
LeBron: It was a pleasure.
Minge: Good luck and I hope you redeem yourself at the Olympics.

In the spirit of defiance, the above photo was hastily stolen from The Cleveland Sports Authority.

On Vacation

2008-08-10T05:48:00.001-04:00

The Linesman has been temporarily closed. It will open back up in about a week. Expect a post on Monday, August 18th.

Mats Sundin Interview

2008-07-22T01:35:00.003-04:00

So we were scheduled to interview Mats Sundin on July 6th but, of course, he never showed up. He emailed us an excuse only three days ago. Apparently he's been busy "thinking" about his future. Then he finally did show up - on a day that he wasn't scheduled. We had to squeeze him in between Ray Emery and Tyson the Skateboarding Dog. We hope you appreciate all the effort that went into making this happen.

Soo Min-ji: Nice to meet you Mats, my name is Soo Min-Ji. You can just call me Minge.

Mats: Hello, Minge.

Minge: Hi Mats. So tell me, what do you do for a living?
Mats: [stares]
Minge: Hello? Mats Sundin?
Mats: [stares]
Minge: ... Labia majora?
Mats: Shhh – give me some time to answer the question.
Minge: Sure, go ahead. You have until the end of August to respond.

50 minutes later

Mats: I’m sorry, what did you ask?
Minge: I believe I asked you for permission to go down on you.
Mats: Damnit, why did I get married?
Minge: Funny, A-rod is asking himself the same question these days. Anyways, so tell me, why did you ever settle down?
Mats: I remember putting a lot of thought into the decision but I don't remember what my reasoning was any more.
Minge: So you thought about it long?
Mats: And hard, yes.
Minge: What do you actually do when you think?
Mats: It's hard to explain. First of all, I don't talk to anyone. I just sit on my porch with my mouth shut. I pet the cat. I might play some ABBA in the background to keep myself focused but I often get distracted anyways.
Minge: What do you eat while you think about your future?
Mats: Almonds and rice. If I'm extra hungry I'll steal some of the cat's food.
Minge: Why haven't you decided your future yet?

Mats: I've been fishing, you know. And thinking. It takes a lot of time.

Minge: What kind of fish have you caught recently?

Mats: [stares]

Minge: Are you thinking about your answer?

Mats: Yes, please, I need a more time.

Minge: No problem. This isn't awkward at all.

2 hours later

Mats: I'm sorry, what was the question again?

Photo stolen from JT Hockey. Yeah.

Coming Soon: New Liz Oak Book

2008-07-18T04:32:00.004-04:00

Our editior-in-chief, Liz Oak, is nearly finished writing a book on parenting. In fact, James Dobson commissioned her to right the Canadian edition of his famous book, Bringing Up Boys (because Canadian culture and American culture are so different from each other). Ms. Oak has stated that this will be a parenting book that "Canadians will finally be able to understand." In order to promote the book we have published an exclusive excerpt. Look out for Liz's book next month in all fine book stores like Wal-Mart and 7-11.

...

Bringing up Boys: Canadian Edition

Greetings to all the men and women who have had sexual intercourse with each other. You probably bought this book because you have a new baby boy. I’m going to warn you: the sex you had to conceive the child is not as good as the experience of raising the child. You should have used a condom. It’s too late for an abortion now, but there’s always the option of leaving your child in a dumpster in Quebec.

Still have the kid? Hooray for you. Now comes the important stuff. First, enroll your son in hockey. The second thing you should do is beat your child. Now don’t be stupid about how you beat your son because it’s easy to get carried away. As a rule of thumb, don’t leave any bruises. The purpose is to show the baby what violence is. I recommend that you give this lesson as soon as you know your boy is able to remember.

Next, teach your son about Don Cherry. Show tapes of Rock’em Sock'em in the place of Finding Nemo, Bambi, and other gay movies. Instead of listening to music in the car, listen to audio recordings of Coach’s Corner. Buy Don Cherry's dog. Do Don Cherry impressions in front of your child. I do discourage you, however, to instruct your child to dress like Don Cherry. A child can easily be swayed to the dark side of homosexuality if he mimics that certain style of dress at such an early age.

If you have completed all of these steps, congratulations. Your son is officially not a fag nor a pussy. He is a 2-year old man.

You’re not finished yet, however. There’s still a long way to go. With violence fresh in his mind, torment your son. Call him a fag and a pussy (even though he isn’t one). If your son cries, increase the severity of the insults. Do this until he reacts violently towards you. Don’t fight back. Take the physical abuse and persist in instigating him. The object of this exercise is to teach your child how instigation works and how to properly deal with it. You have done well if your son retaliates and injures you. Celebrate with a beer and get your little boy drunk.

Are you teaching your son hockey skills? It’s good if you are, but not too important. The main thing is to get the message of violence across. When you address your son, don't say: "Hey little buddy, wanna go to the zoo today?" Instead, you have to say: "Hey faggot, wanna go to the zoo? Oh wait, I know, you don't want to because you're a pussy." This kind of language will help your son turn into a respectable, fearless hockey man. It is important that you instruct your son to talk to his friends like this all the time.

When you watch him play hockey at games go "full out." You're not being a good parent unless you yell as loud as you can at his hockey games. Ridicule him if he doesn't produce results and ridicule his teammates even more harshly. Don't be shy to scream obscenities. In fact, if you don't say things like "play better you fucking faggot" or "I'm gonna beat your fucking ass at home if you don't score," you're not trying hard enough. In order to ensure that your son grows up to be the best hockey player he can be you need to go into every little-league hockey game with a clear head of rage.

Our Canadian culture is currently at war with hockey and our youngest, most vulnerable hockey players like your son can be most affected. Irrational messages that promote the removal of fighting from hockey are being spewed out from media sources like vomit. Don't be fooled by this progressive rhetoric, it's far too logical to make any sense to you. Just keep fighting and don't ever turn into a fag. If someone ever tells your son not to fight in a hockey game, punch them in the face and call them a pussy. In fact, this should be your response to every criticism you encounter.

After beating them in a fight, Job Dig gave us the right to use the photo above.

Burke and Lowe Strike Back

2008-07-14T01:50:00.007-04:00

NEW YORK – Not even 24 hours after Gary Bettman requested that Brian Burke and Kevin Lowe end their very public feud, Bettman received a message in return.

"There’s plenty of good news. He’s finally in stable condition and, because of several blows to the head, Mr. Bettman might be mentally retarded now." said Dr. Leo Spacemen, certified spinal surgeon,

"Or dead. I’m not actually too sure," he finished.

Suffering the similar fate of many other influential messengers of peace, Bettman was brutally assaulted yesterday by Lowe and Burke. They had some choice words to justify their vicious hate crime.

"This is our right to exercise freedom of speech," said Brian Burke, wiping fresh blood off his wrist.

"Did you know, Snoop Dogg likes the Anaheim Ducks," he added convincingly.

"Hey Gary, if you wanna tell me I can’t do something, you gotta come over to my house and tell me with your fists, motherfucker," said Kevin Lowe, while cradling his 6 Stanley Cup rings.

"I have more Stanley Cup rings than you," Burke snapped.

"Whatever. I have Dustin Penner," said Lowe.

"Hey Kevin, you’re so 'low' that you’d give me a five-year, $21.25 million offer sheet for my unrestricted 60 year-old ass," said Burke.

"Where do I start? First of all, you’re a moron. Secondly, you’re a moron. Thirdly, you’re a moron," Kevin said, moronically.

After exchanging a few more insults the two men quickly changed into hockey attire and then traveled to Madison Square Garden to settle the argument physically. According to Isiah Thomas, who happened to witness the fight because he was looking for chicks at the time, reported that neither man had decisively won yet.

The Linesman sincerely hopes that Bettman gets well soon. We do, however, also endorse the continued physical assault of peace-activists, like John McCain. Hopefully Burke and Lowe have a good, injury-riddled fight. They are our beloved saints of hockey's fighting spirit.

In exchange for dinner, Duck Wire gave us the rights to the photo above.

Manchester United's Ronaldo Sent to NHL

2008-07-10T03:54:00.002-04:00

The Christiano Ronaldo trade rumours have finally come to an end. The immensely good-looking Manchester United soccer star, who co-incidentally can kick a ball around "pretty good," has finally found a home with the Florida Panthers of the NHL.

"We were looking to raise the standard of beauty in the NHL, and I think this is the best direction the league could have taken," said a smiling Gary Bettman.

"The NFL has Tom Brady. The MLB has Derek Jeter. The NBA has Richard Hamilton. All these three leagues are also more financially successful than ours. Good-lookingness is definitely the reason."

"Sidney Crosby might be the ambassador of hockey, but Ronaldo is our ambassador of good, old fashioned hockey looks," Bettman finished.

David Beckham, who is another attractive soccer star imported from Europe, was unavailable for comment.

"Mr. Beckham is currently on display in a glass case at the L.A. Galaxy stadium so he can't speak for himself at the moment. I'm sure he's delighted that another soccer player is coming to North America from Europe, however," said Beckham's agent, Victoria Beckham.

"Go away," she added.

The Florida Panthers, also known as "the shittiest franchise in the NHL," showed enthusiasm over the trade.

"Hopefully Ronaldo is beautiful enough to draw a crowd bigger than 50 people. He's saying that his skating and puck handling skills are better than ever so we're confident that he's ready to make an impact on our otherwise crappy roster," said Panthers GM Jacques Martin, who was drinking a double gin and tonic.

Ronaldo was unavailable for comment because he doesn't speak English.

We don't know where that photo came from. Sorry. If you own it, then suck it.

A-Rod Personal Ad

2008-07-09T08:11:00.008-04:00

Alex Rodriguez is now single and looking. Assuming that Cynthia Rodriguez hasn't drained him of all his wealth, this bachelor is loaded.

And since The Linesman is the most widely read sports publication on the Internet Alex chose to run a personal ad on our very own site. If you have big breasts, a pretty face and a fancy vagina, you might want to consider this opportunity. It doesn't get better than this.

...

Attractive, mildly hispanic male, 6'3", 225 pounds. Enjoys having sex with multiple women, preferably strippers, simultaneously. Enjoys doing drugs, mainly the performance-enhancing variety as opposed to the aura-inducing kind.Very focused, likes working hard and ignoring family. Travels 24/7 for nearly 9 months of the year. Spends most time with co-workers and business associates. Enjoys being constantly away from home. Hobbies include collecting booty-call contacts.

Seeks a beautiful, smart, motherly woman for marriage. Preferably someone who has low intelligence but high sex appeal. Romantic, dedicated, loving and un-complicated females are most desirable. Women considering this must be willing to give birth to several children and baby-sit them constantly, forever. You must be ready to accept full responsibility over the babies but still respect and address me as "the world's greatest Dad." Be ready to show 100% commitment to me and the god-blessed family. Virgins between the ages of 21 and 23 only. 50 year-old pop stars are exempt, however, and are encouraged to also call. Please dial 415-555-3482.

The picture above was hastily stolen from our mortal enemies at The Toronto Star.

Stanley Cup Lost In Newfoundland

2008-07-03T19:52:00.004-04:00

Message from Gary Bettman and Harbour Grace's (only) volunteer police officer:

Thursday, June 2, 2008 - After touring Janeway's Children's Hospital with the Stanley Cup, Detroit Red Wings winger Dan Cleary brought the Cup to his childhood home of Harbour Grace. According to hazy eye-witness reports, the Cup was last seen at Smith's Pub.

It has not been seen since.

Please call 728-555-7638 if you have any details. At the moment police are not accepting calls from people who were at the party. If you were at Dan's Stanley Cup celebration you were probably insanely drunk, in which case, your memory provides us with very little help.

This is a very serious matter. There will be no hockey season next year if it is not found. The NHL has already collectively decided that the Cup, if found, will never return to Newfoundland.

Nicklas Lidstrom Interview

2008-06-30T22:30:00.008-04:00

We were very lucky and thankful to have Nicklas Lidstrom pop by our police-infested offices in downtown Toronto yesterday. Soo Min-ji conducted the interview, as always. Nicklas tells us everything about working out, being a dad, sex, and more! Check it out!

Soo Min-ji: Nice to meet you Nicklas, my name is Soo Min-Ji. You can just call me Minge.
Nicklas Lidstrom: Hello, Minge.
M: Hi Nicklas. So tell me, what do you do for a living?
NL: I am the captain of the Detroit Red Wings.
M: Wait, did you just win the Stanley Cup?

NL: Yes we were the 2008 Champs.

M: How did it feel to win it?

NL: Lucky.
M: Lucky?
NL: Well, you know what they say: a European captain can never win a Stanley Cup. Naturally, the odds were against me.
M: Duh, you're a dirty European! Everyone knows your people are bad NHL team captains. How hard did you have to work to beat the odds?
NL: Extremely hard. I’m not actually a very good hockey player because of my Swedish heritage. To add to that, because I didn’t grow up in North America, the Stanley Cup doesn’t mean much to me. All I care about is money, more money, swordfish, and Sweden. Most Canadian kids idolize the Stanley Cup but I just want to jiz on it.
M: Oh my god, so you actually overcame your hereditary lack of motivation?
NL: I'm just as surprised.

M: And it was so hard to win because you're Swedish?

NL: Yep, my nationality sucks. During the playoffs I experienced all of these temptations to choke and feel apathetic over the whole tournament. It was really tough to ignore the temptations because they’re so deeply rooted in my viking genes.
M: I appreciate your honesty. I always knew Europeans were terrible hockey players, mainly because of what Don Cherry said, but now I can say I heard the truth straight from the horse’s mouth. I can't wait until Don Cherry hears about this interview.
NL: I've got some more personal messages to back-up Don. Everyone should hate Europeans and be suspicious of us, especially if we’re team captains. Listen to this: one day during the playoffs, the night after our first loss to Pittsburgh in Game 3, I forgot how to speak English. I couldn’t demonstrate good leadership in the locker room because I couldn’t communicate. A coach can’t trust a European to be a team captain because we’re very bad leaders.
M: I’m surprised the Red Wings didn’t demote you during the Stanley Cup finals.
NL: I'm lucky to be alive.
M: Did you even take the Stanley Cup Home?

NL: I was obligated to make it look like I cared so, yes, I took it home to Sweden. I had to drag it along on a family camping trip. We cooked meatballs in it.

M: Does it hold a lot of balls?

NL: Not as many as you think. Real Swedish meatballs aren't that small, actually.

M: How many balls can you eat?

NL: In a single sitting, um, a lot. More than anyone I know.

M: For kicks, do you ever call your meatballs "Red Balls?"

NL: Hey, what happened to the hockey questions?

M: Right. Um, are you ever jealous of Canadian-born hockey players?
NL: All the time, yes.
M: Why?
NL: It's like how women are jealous of men because men are better. Scientists have shown that Europeans carry a hereditary gene, perhaps a “disorder,” if you will, that physically and mentally handicaps us from winning Stanley Cups.
M: How do you cope with this gene?
NL: Since Sweden is so secular I masturbate religiously. That's how I deal with everything.

M: Other than sucking at hockey and being an incompetent leader, are there any other ill health effects caused by this Euro-gene?

NL: The Euro-gene increases my chances of developing a variety of different diseases such as the Cooties, Rubella and the Plague. Would you like some meatballs?

M: Not now, thanks. Do North American players sympathize with you?
NL: No but there are a lot of Canadian supremacists that laugh at us. They have every right to, though, because we’re pussies.
M: Do you think that more European captains might win the Stanley Cup in the future?
NL: Absolutely not. I am 100% sure that another European will never win the Stanley cup. Remember what I said in the beginning of the interview? I was lucky to win it at all.
M: But can't another Swede follow your example and overcome the European disability like you did?
NL: No. I'm an exception to the rule for three reasons: science, Don Cherry said so, and I'm the perfect human.
M: Before we end this interview, I have two final burning questions.
NL: Sure go ahead.

M: First, Why do you people wear speedos?

NL: Because we have very large penises and we're not afraid to show it.

M: And second, can I take you up on those meatballs?

NL: Sure, but they're European though so you might not like them.

M: That's ok, I'm a woman. I understand.

Photo above is proudly stolen from our best friends, JAMD.

Reign of Terror Grips Maricopa County

2008-06-26T21:18:00.005-04:00

Less than a day after Shaquille O’Neal was fired from his Special Deputy position at Maricopa County a "reign of terror" enveloped much of the area. Pheonix, Paradise Valley, Buckeye, Carefree, Goodyear and Surprise were the towns and cities hardest hit by this devastating flood of lawlessness.

"Now that Shaquille O'Neal isn't around to protect and serve our society, everything is falling apart," said retiree Evans Williams.

O'Neal was stripped of his deputy sherrif badge after America's Toughest Sherrif, Joe Arpaio, saw a recording of the basketball star rapping.

"I hate rap music. I have no tolerance for that garbage. I only accept people who like classical music, opera, Frank Sinatra hits, obscenity-free patriotic music or educational songs," Arpaio said while cocking a gun.

"Rap music is directly related to crime, so it's evil. And it's also very fun. That's something none of my associates are allowed to experience," he finished, afterwhich he resumed beating a paraplegic inmate.

Meanwhile in Pheonix, law-abiding citizens gathered to protest Shaq's termination. If the violence doesn't end soon Arpaio will be forced to re-hire the foul-mouthed Sherrif Shaq.

The picture above was stolen from the extremely evil and socialist organization, The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation.

Report: NHL Denies Affiliation With "Love Guru"

2008-06-24T00:55:00.003-04:00

The plot of comedian Mike Myers' newest comedy, The Love Guru, apparently revolves around the Toronto Maple Leafs of the NHL. In fact, in the months preceding the release of the film, the NHL proudly boasted how it "provided Myers and Paramount Pictures unprecedented access and rights."

Since then, however, the NHL has changed its tune.

"The Love Guru? I don't know what you're talking about," said NHL commissioner Gary Bettman.

"Get out of my face," he added, while kicking our reporter in the balls.

It is complete mystery as to why the NHL has denied its affiliation with The Love Guru. The NHL, after all, is North America's poorest professional sports league. This is a publicity opportunity that the Arena Football League can only dream of.

"There are always movies being made about football and baseball - even basketball - but this is one of the only hockey movies I can think of. It's unfortunate that the NHL isn't letting The Love Guru do what Space Jam did for the NBA," said Toronto Star movie critic Peter Howell.

In the mean time, The Love Guru has completely dropped out of the box office top ten. It has only been 3 days since being released. Go see it soon before you miss the opportunity!

The picture above is a reproduction of an official movie poster. With the new Canadian copyright law in place, we truly are risking our livelihood in the name of quality journalism.

The Linesman Discovers Deadlines

2008-06-19T04:45:00.005-04:00

Dear Legions of Fans,

Despite what you might think, The Linesman is still in business. Our operations have merely been retarded during the past few weeks due to an on-going police investigation at our offices. We sincerely apologize. The Toronto Police Force suspects that our prestigious organization was involved in the gun violence that recently ravaged Toronto. Yes, we too had the same reaction: rubbish!

It seems like the cops won't leave us alone until they ~~plant the evidence~~ find the bodies. That will obviously never happen (because no one at The Linesman is a criminal) so you should expect delays to become as frequent as teenage pregnancy.

There is some good news, however. While I was fake-praying in the shower yesterday I managed to convince God to give me some ideas about how to handle the situation. Guess what, He answered me! I will impose deadlines on my writing staff. I'm reluctant to change my current write-shit-to-avoid-execution system, but I suppose change is necessary sometimes.

The Linesman will be updated sometime every Monday and Thursday. If my incompetent writing staff publishes something in between, consider yourself lucky.

hugs and fellatio,

Liz Oak, editor-in-chief

We have absolutely no reason (or right) to display the picture above.

NHL Awards 2008

2008-06-16T04:13:00.008-04:00

The results from the 2008 NHL Awards are in. Congratulations to all the winners!

The Gangsta Trophy - Ray Emery
Awarded to the player who exhibits the most "street cred."

The Shrek Trophy - Alexander Ovechkin
Awarded to the least physically attractive, yet jolly, player in the league.

The Don Cherry Trophy - Niklas Lidstrom
Awarded to the worst (most European) player in the league.

The ER Trophy - Chris Simon
Awarded to the player who purposely causes the most life-threatening injuries during the season.

The Barrack Obama Plaque - Jarome Iginla
Awarded to the best player of mixed race.

The Fountain of Youth Trophy - Dominik Hasek
Awarded to the player who exemplifies the greatest need to retire immediately.

Best Actor Trophy - Ryan Miller
Awarded to the player with the best performance in the leading role of a sports commercial.

The Commander In Chief Trophy - Gary Bettman
Awarded to the best commissioner of the NHL during the 07-08 season.

The Iron Chef Trophy - John Tortorella
Awarded to the coach who can cook the best spaghetti and meatballs.

Photo sponsor: Do you suffer from low self-esteem, or are you hopelessly vain? If so, reward yourself with your very own trophy from Lee's Pro Shop. "Making statues of people, making people happy."

Pro-Stars TV Show Gets Re-make

2008-06-03T19:54:00.004-04:00

Pro-Stars, the critically acclaimed children's cartoon from the early 90's, will officially be re-made this year. In order to catch up with the times the updated version of the show will be fully animated in CGI. It will also feature a fresh theme song written and performed by My Chemical Romance called "We Kick Butt, Yeah!"

The new Pro-Stars, apparently to to be re-named Pro-Stars 2000, will air on Saturday afternoons on Nickelodeon. To the disappointment of all children with low self-esteem, Disney's Keeners Beat Up The Cool Kids will be cancelled to make room for Pro-Stars 2000.

"This isn't a lame attempt to get more money," said TV studio executive Jack Donaghy.

"This is a decision to show kids that athletes can be good role models. Professional athletes aren't drug-taking, dog-fighting, neck-breaking or nude picture-taking cry babies. That's just a stereotype, and you know, stereotypes are so false," Donaghy finished.

Sidney Crosby, Kobe Bryant and Jose Canseco will be the three stars of the show. Staying true to the original format of the 90's version, the new Pro-Stars will begin each episode with a an incredible morality lesson.

"I feel my television-commercial career has prepared me well for this project. Not to mention I'm perfect, so of course, my face exemplifies good Christian values," said Sidney Crosby.

The new show proposal is not without controversy, however. Critics have bashed the studio's decision to cast Jose Canseco among Crosby and Bryant, two superemely noble athletes who single-handedly own their respective sports leagues by default.

"Canseco is a drug and woman abuser. For God's sake, the reason he isn't playing baseball is because his steroid use got him kicked out," said Christian America Inc. president, Steven McFarlene.

Canseco has acted quickly in response to the criticism.

"I need more money and I'm physically attractive. Aren't those the only two requirements to be a TV actor?" he said while injecting HGH into his arm.

Despite the fact that the original Pro-Stars barely lasted one season, Nickelodeon has invested millions of dollars into this project and has high hopes for success.

Magician's Alliance Accepts Michael Landsberg

2008-05-26T09:59:00.003-04:00

BREAKING NEWS - The coolest celebrity ever may be available for hire at your next corporate party: Michael Landsberg. He received his magician's licence from the so-called "Alliance of Magicians" yesterday during a red-carpet ceremony.

"I'm stoked," Landsberg said, while releasing several doves in a cloud of purple smoke.

"I can do card tricks as well as I can interview people," he finished and then disappeared, literally.

Dubbed as "The King of Hearts," Landsberg's magic act features several card tricks and an incredible feat where he asks questions to not only sports-related people, but to normal people.

"We agreed to accept him into our alliance because his interviews are magical. He incorporates cards, magic, fast talking and controversy all in one magical experience," said Randoo Wilkinson, president of the Alliance of Magicians.

The Linesman will be hiring him for our annual staff Father's Day Party.

As per agreement, Landsberg gave us the rights to show the picture above as long as we provided him with favourable publicity.

NHL Changes Its Address

2008-05-21T07:34:00.004-04:00

The NHL is currently in the swift process of changing all of its contact addresses, including both its email and snail-mail.

"We can no longer be approached electronically or through the postal service. You will literally have to visit our offices in person and throw your fists at our receptionist," said Director of Hockey Operations, Colin Campbell.

"Physical aggression is the only possible way we can accept any form of message," Campbell finished, before punching our own reporter in the nose.

The NHL further explained this new "no email, no snail-mail" policy in the form of a blood stained letter on its official website. Reportedly, the digitally scanned note was written with the blood of Gary Bettman. Excerpts from the letter read:

"... because this is the NHL and not just any other ordinary sports league we should be able to communicate using brute force. Activities such as talking or negotiating are not normally practiced in the NHL, neither on nor off the ice. Furthermore, we wish to continue our proud tradition of 'violent complaint' philosophy."

"If you have a complaint we don't want to hear it. We want to feel it in the form of punches, kicks, slashes, and vertebrae-breaking karate chops. It is utterly impossible to contact us unless you do it physically and violently."

A day after the new policy was put into motion several concerned pedestrians walked by the NHL headquarters in fear of their own safety. Lawyers, business men, marketers and Eric Lindros were all in and around the headquarters fighting with each other.

Several 911 calls were made. The police stormed to the scene, haulted their cruisers infront of the NHL headquarters and simply watched the spectacle.

The NHL is a struggling league barely clinging onto its fat fans. Despite the fact we have no right to display its logo, the NHL secretly appreciates the publicity.

Do Basketball Players Golf?

2008-05-04T22:56:00.004-04:00

Reports from sources familiar with the matter indicate that North America's population is experiencing an increase in "larger than average" people. Experts hypothesize that this peculiar population trend is attributed to the fact that more and more NBA basketball teams are being eliminated from the NBA playoffs.

Professional basketball players are re-emerging into society. The question remains: where exactly are they going, and what are they doing?

"I'm not going camping, I'll tell you that much," said Chris Bosh, all-star player for the Toronto Raptors.

"And that's all I'm gonna say," he finished and then abruptly jumped away.

Hockey players are famously known to golf in the off-season. In fact, the expression: "so-and-so hockey club will be swinging the clubs early this year" literally translates to "so-and-so club is not making the post-season." They're going golfing as soon as the season is done and done.

But do basketball players follow suite?

"It's an interesting question and the answer isn't all that obvious," said TSN sports scientist, Vladimir Kushnevski.

"To be blunt, basketball players aren't quite normal people. They're bigger than average and have enormous feet. That evidence suggests that they probably won't be riding golf carts or finding suitable clubs."

Our observers will be monitoring the life choices of all NBA players and hope to provide our readers answers.

China Increases Toy Exports To US

2008-04-15T22:38:00.005-04:00

China increased its toy exports by 765% yesterday after CNN network commentator Jack Cafferty made some erotic comments directed towards China.

"I think [China's government] is basically the same bunch of little-penis goons and thugs they've been for the last 50 years," Cafferty said.

The Chinese government expressed a little discomfort in reaction to this statement but nevertheless continued with its daily business of killing Tibetans and other miscreants.

In the mean time, millions of new Chinese-made toys arrived in harbours and airports all across America the following day. The toys, officially licensed by the Super Awesome American Mighty Joe brand, will be hard to find for the next few months.

"Anything to do with the Super Awesome American Mighty Joe brand will sell instantly. This is the latest craze among American children. And of course, the paint on these action figures is so beautiful," said American toy critic, Louis Machomp.

This new series of toys features the most impressive paint job ever to be seen on actions figures.

"I don't know what they paint these things with, but these toys look like the best and most entertaining action figures to be released since the original Star Wars toys," Machomp finished.

President Bush was not available for comment because he was busy plotting a pre-emptive strike against Micronesia, Iran, Bulgaria and a deserted island off the coast of Lesbos.

In exchange for business advice Best Global Ltd. gave us the rights to display the picture seen above.

Evidence of Fighting-less Hockey Was Staged: Cherry

2008-04-15T22:02:00.005-04:00

We have collected more evidence today that scientifically proves that fighting is necessary for the game of hockey to be played successfully.

Europeans, commonly known as the "people who wear speedos," do not in fact play hockey without fighting as they claim. Hockey Canada experts have been studying video evidence of fighting-less hockey for the past few months. They have made some shocking conclusions.

"It's all staged. It's fake. This is a hoax," Head researcher Don Cherry said while referencing video footage of a hockey game between two professional Russian teams.

"The quality of the video footage is implausibly high. There are no fans to be seen in the stands. Furthermore, the Russian flag can be seen "flapping around." Everyone knows there's no wind in hockey arenas. Unless Europeans are farting ridiculously because of all that cheese they eat," said Cherry.

European hockey associations have yet to respond to the claims.

"The fact that they don't play hockey without fighting means that they don't actually play hockey. And this is why the Europeans suck at hockey, period. I knew it all along," Cherry finished.

The above picture was taken at our Linesman office in downtown Toronto. The US government had asked us if they could borrow our office space for a photo-shoot. We own the rights, bitch.

China To World: WE HAVE TANKS

2008-04-10T05:25:00.006-04:00

By Ron Pomegranate, Linesman Basketball Department.

As protests erupt everywhere the Olympic torch goes, China prepares its homeland for what could be the best and most exciting protest of the year.

"This is a crisis but it's not as bad as the threat of suicide bombers," said Jacques Rogge, president of the International Olypmic Committee.

"So it could turn out to be really fun to watch. Especially with the way China likes to deal with protestors," he finished.

Political watch-dogs are eagerly anticipating the moment when protestors finally clash with riot squads on Chinese soil. China has recently sent highly ambiguous messages that foreshadow an entertaining matchup. For example, The Chinese Times, China's biggest newspaper, spent the previous week reporting on the award winning design of their newest tank fleet.

Also this past month, CTV (Chinese Television) aired a dozen documentaries that showcased the strength and admirable ability of China's protestor-resisting tanks. In one incredible scene the military demonstrated how their new tanks are perfectly capable of crushing people with little to no bloodshed.

"We can mow people down without leaving stains on the road. Where is your tank man now?" said General Xing Ping Po in the Chinese tank-documentary, Get Outta My Way.

Ron Pomegranate is the head basketball analyst for The Linesman. He is new on staff and loves fighting so much that he wishes for an enjoyable, solid fight between protestors and riot police at the Beijing Olympic Games.

Liz Oak, editor-in-chief snapped the above photograph while on her first journalistic assignment in the late 80's.

Linesman Upgrades Basketball Analysis Staff

2008-04-09T09:50:00.009-04:00

The Linesman's award-winning basketball coverage department will experience a little bit of a staff upgrade.

We regret to inform you that our previous full-time basketball analyst, Buck Faucet, disappeared last week while on a seal-hunting vacation in Quebec. His body was never recovered so there are no plans for a funeral. Editor-in-chief Liz Oak was kind enough to make plans to stage a brief memorial service in Buck's memory on Thursday, April 24, 2008, at The Linesman's main office in downtown Toronto.

On the brighter side, we are proud to announce our new full-time basketball analyst, Ron Pomegranate (pictured above). He has had plenty of experience in the NBA. In fact, he coached the Boston Celtics for a total of 4 minutes before being permanently ejected from the game (and subsequently from the league - Pomegranate was banned from working for the NBA after he physically assaulted the opposing team's coach in his 4-minute debut with the Celtics).

In addition to his on-court experience, Ron has spent several decades working in the basketball analysis industry. A fervent lover of basketball, he has created several theories that supposedly improve the game. His most famous contribution to basketball theory is "the fighting rule," also commonly known as "the enforcer rule." As extremely logical as this theory is, Pomegranate's idea has yet to be accepted by the NBA. He has spent his whole career trying to convince the NBA to loosen its zero-tolerance opinion of fighting.

"Over the 86 years that I've known him he's changed many of his opinions. In fact, just last year he dropped his belief that black people should ride at the back of the bus. But this 'fighting in the NBA' idea is one that he'll never let go of," said Donald Daffy, Pomegranate's longtime co-anchor.

Because Ron Pomegranate is so old it is physically impossible for him to work without Donald Daffy. Daffy basically helps the decrepit Ron complete many of Ron's voluntary and involuntary actions. Instead of acting as Ron's "straight man," Donald is actually his personal nurse.

These two talented men are sure to become instant fan favourites. Ron dresses in bizarre clothes and hats on a regular basis. His unusual style has already elevated him to the status of "national icon and celebrity." And of course, Ron's pet possum (pictured above) is an unforgettable mascot that you'll soon come to love.

Look forward to their appearances on this esteemed sports media portal, The Linesman.

The Linesman spent millions of dollars to acquire the rights to show the above picture from Todbrilliant.com.

Roy’s Lawyer: Lawsuit Against Dog “Hopeless”

2008-03-31T22:13:00.009-04:00

In the off-chance that you normally consult a less reliable news source, such as TSN, Rogers Sportsnet, or ESPN, you definitely didn’t hear the whole story behind Jonathan Roy. He was unfortunately mauled by a dog a few days ago in a parking lot.

The vicious pug, "Giselle," is responsible for J. Roy's horrific injuries. She is not difficult to identify because, unlike most of her relatives, she usually dresses in a variety of different dog costumes.

The Roys' lawsuit against Giselle will be a hard-fought battle.

"We were told that it’s practically impossible to sue the owner of a dog because dog owners aren’t responsible for a dog’s actions, especially if the dog in question 'acts in the heat of action.' We’re very upset," said Patrick Roy two days ago.

The violent attack occurred shortly after the completion of the now-infamous Sagueneens-Remparts game.

"Obviously we would have preferred to go after the owner of the dog, especially considering that Giselle's English is a little rough, but that’s the way the cookie crumbles, you know," he finished.

Jonathan Roy, who refused to be interviewed, simply stood beside his father and showed reporters the "finger" (using all of his available middle fingers, mind you) in anger. He apparently yelled obscenities but our reporter doesn't understand French. Our interpreter was unavailable to help cover the story because he was fired last week.

Things have turned worse for the Roys. Their lawyer, Rusty Hardin, has refused to defend them. Unfortunately the family could not be reached for comment because they are currently enjoying a pleasant seal-hunting trip.

"Dog culture is deeply engrained. Dog-eats-dog, simple as that. You can change people culture, but not dog culture. Everyone knows it's impossible to convince a dog to act rationally. Dogs unfortunately don't have the rationale to control emotions (especially emotions that are 'charged') or instincts the way we humans do," Rusty Hardin said.

"Besides, there's a clause in Quebec law that allows dog violence in hockey arena parking lots... I've lost enough cases while representing athletes. This one looks hopeless so I can't risk losing another," he finished before hopping onto his ATV and driving away.

It is presumed that the Roys will be searching for another lawyer to represent them in court.

We traded some rare hockey POGs in order to acquire the rights from Costume Dogs to display the photo above.

IOC Promotes Hockey Out of Olympics

2008-03-31T03:08:00.007-04:00

The International Olympic Committee announced today that ice hockey will no longer be played in all future winter Olympics, including the Vancouver 2010 Games. Hockey analysts reported the event as a positive thing for the game of hockey.

"After years of watching the sport and trying to figure it out, I've realized that hockey is a different game. It can't be compared to anything else and therefore does not deserve the injustice of being played amongst the other average sports in the Olympics," said Jacob Brackish, head of the now-defunct Olympic Hockey Operations Association.

"It's not fair for elite hockey players to play their sacred game alongside all these other pussy games that don't allow fighting. Hockey shouldn't degrade itself to the level of a non-fighting sport."

Perhaps the biggest applause came from Hockey Nation's loudest mouthpiece, Don "fight-or-be-gay" Cherry.

"Hockey is about justice just as much as it's about winning," said Don Cherry in response to the news.

"In fact, it's more about justice. There is no other sport that has the kind of 'self sacrifice' that you see in hockey. In no other game do you ever need to 'take a beating for your boy.' It's more than a sport. So I'm happy that our hockey players won't be wasting their time in the fucking Olympics," finished Cherry.

Hockey experts gathered yesterday in a building in downtown Toronto to reclassify hockey. At the end of the meeting, the unanimous verdict was to re-classify hockey as an unpronounceable symbol. Thereby, it retains distinction as the only "game" - not sport - that tolerates fighting and stupid behaviour.

We reproduced the Olympic logo under the assumption that it is free. The Linesman accomplishes a lot by assuming things, eh?

The Roys Join Seal Hunt

2008-03-29T10:37:00.005-04:00

Jonathan Roy and Patrick Roy suddenly have lots of free time because of their involvement in a recent on-ice brawl. They have both acquired lengthy suspensions from the Quebec Junior Hockey League. The timing couldn't be any better, however, because the Great Canadian Seal Hunt is about to begin in a few days.

"As you've witnessed in the video on Youtube, I love beating the shit out of things. Woohoo," said Jonathan Roy.

"Over the next few days I'll be deprived of fighting hockey players so I'm counting on this seal hunt to quench my thirst for punching," he said.

"I'm so proud of my son for taking fighting to the next level. I've packed my favourite club, the same one I used to beat my wife with. I might even bring some of my old goalie equipment so that I can startle the seals," Patrick Roy said.

The Roys left for their seal-clobbering road trip this morning. They are the only pair of hunters who will be dressed in facemasks and goalie pads.

The Grean Diary kindly gave us the above photo as a late Valentine's gift.

Liz Oak, Editor-in-chief Interview: Part 2

2008-03-27T23:03:00.020-04:00

Approximately two articles earlier The Linesman began a series of interviews with our editor-in-chief, Liz Oak. This is the second part in the series. The first time around Liz introduced herself to the public. What does she say in part 2? Read this exclusive to find out...

Minge: So it was your passion for dogfighting that introduced you to sports, eh?
LO, EIC: And cockfighting.
Minge: Right, and cockfighting. Would you go as far as to say that you like hockey so much because it’s mildly similar to those two fabulous animal-sports?
LO, EIC: No. Dogs don’t normally get upset when they lose. Unlike hockey players, dogs fight because they’re stupid and that’s what they’re trained to do. From what I understand hockey players fight because they get upset and frustrated. The objectives of both sports are also extremely different. In animal sports, the objective is for one player to literally destroy the other. From what I’ve gathered so far, the objective of hockey seems to be “score more goals than the opponent.” Fighting in hockey functions like a subplot in a bad movie.
Minge: So you’re saying fighting is the main plot of dogfighting and cockfighting?
LO, EIC: Right, but I still watch bad movies for their ingenious subplots. Which is why I like hockey so much.
Minge: So what do you like better: bad movies or hockey?
LO, EIC: I like fighting.
Minge: Next question: who’s your favourite hockey player?
LO, EIC: I find there are very few reasons to dislike Chris Simon.
Minge: Why?
LO, EIC: He’s scored goals - 144 of them in 16 seasons. He’s my favourite.
Minge: Yeah he sounds to me like the greatest player to ever play the game.
LO, EIC: I can’t think of anyone better.
Minge: And what’s your favourite hockey injury?
LO, EIC: I like catching a good ol’ broken back once in a while. To my displeasure, there haven’t been enough broken spines since Bertuzzi’s shining moment a few years back. I was really upset that Jonathan Roy didn’t make enough contact with Bobby Nadeau’s spine to effectively break it during the most recent Sagueneens-Remparts game. Sliced necks are also pretty sweet – but only if it’s an intentional attack.
Minge: Speaking of attacks, how do you feel when a hockey fight breaks out?
LO, EIC: I’m normally half-asleep during a hockey game. Making good passes, creating clever plays, shooting sweet goals, making awesome saves... Why do they bother with that bullshit? It bores me. So when I see play stop because of a fight I get so excited. In fact, my first reaction is to stand on my feet. Then I begin hollering and hooting as loud as I can, often breaking out into an unrecognizable chant that goes something like: "FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT..."

Minge: Do you do anything else?

LO, EIC: If I see any objects nearby I usually toss them at my television set. And if there are young children in the vicinity I always make sure to yell obscenities. Especially if the kids are between the ages of 3 and 7. Unfortunately though my current restraining order prevents me from coming near a child for the next 2 years.
Minge: How do you feel when the fight ends?
LO, EIC: I change the channel.
Minge: That's not a feeling...
LO, EIC: Well I lose interest as soon as the game begins again. It’s always my favourite when it takes a really long time for the refs to distribute the penalties. I could watch the refs dish out penalties all day long. I’d be happy if every hockey game in the world got cancelled because all the players couldn’t finish the game due to immediate suspensions as a result of uncontrollable brawls.
Minge: But is it really fun to watch all that dead time?
LO, EIC: Of course it’s fun. I enjoy trying to predict how severe or lax the penalties will be. I closely watch all the other players standing around on the ice and wait for the fight to get settled. There’s nothing better than watching people wait – it’s great. And of course, the stoppage time also cues a commercial break. Which is awesome because I love watching commercials.
Minge: Congratulations, you’ve just convinced me that fighting is an integral part of hockey.
LO, EIC: Absolutely. As Don Cherry says, it’s physically impossible to play hockey without fighting.
Minge: Haven't the Europeans discovered a way to play hockey sans fighting?
LO, EIC: Yes and they’re stupid. They suck at hockey. Haven’t you heard? A European captain has never led a team to win the Stanley Cup because Europeans are bad hockey players.
Minge: Who said that?
LO, EIC: Don Cherry! I repeat, remember, believe and do everything he says.
Minge: No kidding! I would do the same if only I was capable of making good choices like you.
LO, EIC: I don’t really make choices, per se.
Minge: What do you mean?
LO, EIC: I use anger to motivate me to fight and then fighting usually solves my problems. I basically don't think before I act so I don't consider myself a choice-making individual.
Minge: Fascinating. Please elaborate.
LO, EIC: Well I get angry really easily because I enter "the heat of action" really often. I wouldn’t go as far as to call myself a tyrant but I do have a tendency to just look at my writing staff and hate them immediately. And subsequently fire them. I’ve physically attacked a couple of people too, mostly the postman. The only reason The Linesman is doing so well is because of my thirst for fighting. We can’t compete against TSN, The Score and Rogers Sportsnet without my fighting philosophies.

Stay tuned for the off-chance that we might publish the third part of this riveting series of interviews.

Photo Credit: Black's Photography

Hockey Law Makes Pickton Acquittal Inevitable

2008-03-27T08:38:00.009-04:00

Defence lawyers of Robert Pickton, British Columbia's pig-farming serial killer, have discovered a loophole in the Canadian justice system that could provide Pickton with a "get out of jail" card.

"Forensic scientists neglected the fact that Pickton, much like every normal Canadian, had a homemade outdoor hockey rink on his property," said defence lawyer Miles Edgeworth.

"Forensic samples of purified ice indicate that a significant number of the murders took place on Pickton's ice rink. This complicates the entire trial because Section 42, article B of the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms states that, and I quote, 'the hockey rink is a sanctuary for fighting and violence. Any of the preceding events, as long as committed on a hockey rink, are strictly non punishable by law,'" Edgeworth said.

Family members of the victims of the Pickton murders have rightfully voiced their concern and discomfort with the idea of Pickton receiving a lighter sentence. However, these complaints have been silenced and totally ignored due to the extremely logical arguments put forward by wise critics.

"If you remove the clause that allows violence on the hockey rink then we're left with no choice but to change hockey. The problem is, however, that physical assault is part of the game! In fact, fighting and violence is so inseparable from hockey that it is completely impossible to play hockey without being allowed to fight," said Don Cherry.

"As awful as violence is, we can't let the government steal our right to commit violent acts on ice. Not letting Canadians fight in hockey is like taking away Americans' guns. We're extremely nice, peace-keeping people but we can only uphold this national identity if we let our violent subconscious loose on ice," Cherry finished.

Pickton's re-trial will commence in six months. In the mean time, serial killers and wife-beaters across the country have flocked to local hockey rinks to go about their business.

Photo Generously Donated by: National Post

Meet Liz Oak, editor-in-chief: Part 1

2008-03-25T04:47:00.011-04:00

As our readership hits the one-million mark we felt the need to perhaps explain ourselves. Where did we come from? Why are we so good? How does The Linesman get the truth right when every other sports channel doesn't? It's all here in a short series of interviews with The Linesman founder and editor-in-chief, Liz Oak. Enjoy as our best interviewer, Soo Min-ji, invites you into the head of our great leader.

Soo Min-ji: Hi, nice to meet you. My name’s Soo Min-ji but you can just call me Minge.
Liz Oak, Editor-In-Chief: Hi Minge, it’s a pleasure to meet you.
Minge: It’s good to meet you too. So tell me something about yourself… You’re generally pretty elusive about your identity and our millions of readers want to get to know their favourite editor-in-chief a little better.
LO, E-I-C: Well I guess I’ll start off by saying that I’m a criminal.
Minge: Really? That’s fascinating. What have you done?
LO, E-I-C: I’m fairly confident that I’ve broken some labour laws.
Minge: How so?
LO, E-I-C: Overworking our writers, firing employees based on their physical appearance, how they smell – stuff like that. I basically fire people when I’m bored, you know?
Minge: That’s not so bad.
LO, E-I-C: I’ve killed a man.
Minge: Murder… Seriously?
LO, E-I-C: Of course, I wouldn’t joke about murder. I’m a very serious person.
Minge: If you don’t mind me asking, who did you kill?
LO, E-I-C: I couldn’t possibly damage my reputation by sharing this information with you so I don’t mind at all! I mean, it’s unlikely anyone can prove that we sent Ted Sanders to cover a particular story that I was absolutely certain he wouldn’t come back alive from. I personally don’t really consider that murder, however.
Minge: Aside from your criminal record, what else should we know about you?
LO, E-I-C: I’m a woman.
Minge: Yeah, I’m shocked! I normally assume that all sports editors are men.
LO, E-I-C: Ahem, I’m an editor-in-chief.
Minge: Oh, my apologies. Editor-in-chief Liz Oak, right?
LO, E-I-C: Right. Anyways, it just goes to show that stereotypes are so wrong.
Minge: Would you say that The Linesman aims to break stereotypes and spread the message of love?
LO, E-I-C: That sounds about right, yes. We also try our best to publish unbiased and truthful material. However, I don’t believe ethnic minorities are good enough to be reading The Linesman.
Minge: What is your target audience?
LO, E-I-C: Anyone cool enough to wear Tommy Hilfiger clothing. In fact, if it was possible, I’d make it mandatory to wear Hilfiger clothing while visiting The Linesman. Hilfiger is actually what my employees are expected to wear to work everyday.
Minge: Going back to the subject of race, what’s your opinion of affirmative action?
LO, E-I-C: You.
Minge: Hahaha, you’re hilarious!
LO, E-I-C: Not really. [Takes a sip of coffee]
Minge: So what’s your favourite sport?
LO, E-I-C: Hockey.
Minge: Why so?
LO, E-I-C: I love the fighting. I watch whenever I can, usually in anticipation of concussions, comas, sliced necks, broken spines, severed limbs, blood, loose teeth, extruding eyeballs, etc. I love that shit. Oh! Excuse my language.
Minge: That’s ok – Do you like any other sports?
LO, E-I-C: Not really. I actually hate sports.
Minge: Why do you then act as editor-in-chief of The Linesman?
LO, E-I-C: Well I’ve always been a huge fan of cockfighting and dog fighting – I originally intended to only write about those two activities. But then I discovered that Michael Vick was a famous NFL QB and so I got mildly interested in sports. I was really impressed that an athlete was affiliated with dog fighting. So I wrote a couple of articles on sports - about Vick and whatever, and then the readers started flooding in and eventually everything just spun out of control. This is where we are now and we continue to grow, even beyond my own expectations.

Please stay tuned for the inevitable continuation of this interview.

Tony Stewart Breaks Male Vocal Record

2008-03-24T23:21:00.005-04:00

Tony Stewart, aka "Smoke," hit the G10 note yesterday while his back was being waxed for charity. He effectively cracked the 25087Hz mark - a note previously only reached by female singers.

"The windows shattered and immediately birds poured in through the windows. We think they may have been attracted to the sound," said Mia, the spa owner who performed the wax.

As a result of attracting more than $100,000 in donations Stewart lived up to his promise of waxing his back.

"As painful as it was I'm relieved. People would mistakenly shoot at me thinking I was a bear. I look more like a human being now," Stewart said.

As a result of breaking the male vocal range, "Smoke" collects his monetary prize from the Guinness World Records Association next week.

Dog Mauls Patrick Roy's Son

2008-03-24T09:08:00.008-04:00

Jonathan Roy, goalie for the Quebec Remparts of the Quebec Major Junior Hockey League, was mauled yesterday by a pug in a parking lot. He was quickly hospitalized and remains in stable condition. The violent maul was a bitter end to an already bad day as Roy's team lost 7-1 in a game that ended approximately an hour before the dog attack.

Roy received 17 stitches on his skull. His arms were torn apart and subsequently lost (the dog had dragged his limbs into a nearby ravine). The pug, who happened to be dressed in a tuxedo during the attack, also castrated the young goalie. Police have given up on the search for Roy's penis. By the time they file a warrant to surgically inspect the dog's stomach the goalie's dick is expected to be reduced to liquid.

"I was just on my way to my Dad's SUV with my hockey bag. I didn't even see it coming," Jonathan Roy said from his hospital bed.

The owner of the dog was identified as Simon Christienson. He was taken into custody for a few minutes but was shortly released. Police have also freed the vicious pug, Giselle.

"I can't control the reaction of my dog in the heat of action," Christienson told reporters in his defence.

"It's part of the game and unfortunately some dogs forget that humans aren't actually part of the food chain," finished Christienson.

Reporters flooded the local police station in response to the controversial dealing of the dog and its owner.

"I'm afraid Mr. Christienson is right. Getting mauled is just part of life, you know? Anything is permissible as long as you, or any animal for that matter, is 'in the heat of action,'" said constable Smith.

After the constable finished his sentence he drew his gun and fired three reporters, including our very own reporter Ted Sanders.

"Nevermind me, I'm just in the heat of action," he said.

"Carry on."

After the three shooting victims were officially pronounced dead by an intern the Grim Reaper arrived to collect the dead bodies and dispose of them. The Linesman is now hiring. Please email us with your resume.

How To Win The NBA: By Kenny Smith

2008-03-24T02:38:00.017-04:00

Yahoo! Sports basketball analyst, Kenny Smith, disappeared yesterday afternoon. His disappearance was discovered after he failed to submit his weekly column to his editor. However, during his absence Smith wrote an article for this esteemed sports publication, The Linesman.

As police search ~~our office~~ for Kenny~~'s body~~ please enjoy this Linesman exclusive...

I used to play in the NBA so I guarantee you I know how to play basketball. Moreover, I've been watching the NBA this year and I've noticed that sometimes teams win games, and sometimes teams lose games. What it comes down to is this: when an NBA team starts a game, there is a 50% chance it will lose the game, and a 50% chance it will win. You can't achieve anything in between.

What I've compiled below is a winning formula. I'll be blunt: you need these things in order to win the NBA championship. Does your favourite team got what it takes?

1. A basketball: If you're going to win an NBA championship the first thing you need is a basketball. A basketball, in case you didn't know, is a ball shaped like most other balls: round. It is not to be confused with testicles. You need a durable, round ball and it also helps immensely if the basketball bounces.

2. Two nets: You could still play a basketball game with one net but it would make things a lot easier if you had two nets. By the way, each team should have their own respective net. A basketball net looks like a hoop except it's nailed to a backboard. You know what I'm saying?

3. Jerseys: You can avoid confusion by dressing two opposing teams in different colour jerseys. If you don't have different jerseys, one team can play shirtless while the other plays with shirts. A logo - also known as a visual representation of a team and its identity - further helps increase the odds of winning an NBA championship by distinguishing one opposing team from another.

4. A corrupt official: It's quite common these days and it really makes a winning difference.

5. A great bench: If you want to win you have to treat your players fairly. Not only should they be paid millions, but they should have a very comfortable seat when they're not playing. Don't buy your bench from IKEA. Get it from a quality furniture company. And remember, basketball players are normally larger than most people so don't buy a bench made for dwarves.

6. Basketball Players: Your roster should comprise of people who are capable of bouncing a ball and shooting it into the hoop. Animals don't count. Your human beings should be physically fit enough to jump and run for about two hours straight. It helps if your roster is populated by (preferably black) males that are between 6 to 8 feet tall.

7. H2O: H2O, commonly referred to as "water," is a colourless and tasteless liquid that helps "quench" thirst. You see, once a basketball player starts playing, running around, shooting etc. he or she will sweat. A basketball player must replenish the lost "sweat" by drinking water. You know what I mean? Without water your basketball players will pass out and you will have to forfeit the championship.

8. Magic: This crucial building block in my winning formula is often the least understood.

-Kenny Smith is an ex-NBA player who can write. If you type in "Kenny Smith" on a Google images search you can see pictures of him. Due to extreme circumstances it is currently impossible to contact him.

Baseball Fans Protest Free Japanese Vacation

2008-03-20T00:21:00.004-04:00

In light of the league-wide steroids scandal that crushed the hearts of many baseball fans, the MLB gave away free complimentary vacations to select season ticket holders this spring. All of the fans who were awarded the free trip to Japan have angrily returned their coupons in disgust, however.

“I am repulsed by this offer,” said Tammy Sparks, an avid Boston Red Sox fan.

“I can’t believe the MLB is giving us a vacation and no spending money. This is like offering someone free french fries but with no ketchup! Jesus Christ,” she said.

“No free money, no free vacation, no questions asked. End of story,” said, a custodian at Freewill Public School in Oakland, California.

The custodian paused and mopped the floor for a brief moment.

“You could offer me a free trip to heaven and I wouldn’t take it unless I was getting at least $40,000 in addition to the trip itself,” he said.

As expected, Bud Selig had something to say.

“I sincerely thought that this free trip to Japan was pretty generous. The league turned a blind eye to steroids, the truth got out and a lot of fans got emotionally hurt… But whatever happened to being happy with what you get?” said a decrepit Bud Selig.

Bergeron Steps In For Pronger

2008-03-18T22:27:00.007-04:00

In order to stay one step ahead in the playoff race the Anaheim Ducks have asked Marc-Andre Bergeron to step in for the suspended Chris Pronger.

"It's really tough to step into any great players' shoes, especially Pronger's," Bergeron said yesterday at a press conference.

"Since I was only traded a few weeks ago I'm new around here and I'm gonna watch my step, you know. I'll be stepping up a gear in order to make a good impression on my new team and new coach."

"This is definitely a step in the right direction," said Ducks coach Randy Carlyle.

"Bergeron is a man who isn't known to tread on anyone's toes, so you know, our team is now ready to step on the gas and plow through the standings even without Pronger," finished Carlyle.

As a player who has traditionally been a reserve, this is the first time Bergeron has been given the chance to step up to the plate. Ducks fans eagerly await positive results.

And in the meantime Pronger has joined Chris Simon in a rehabilitation program called Step By Step. It is a program designed to teach hockey players how to walk around objects as opposed to trampling them.

Linesman Honours Michael Landsberg With Award

2008-03-18T09:35:00.008-04:00

Michael Landsberg, the ridiculously talented interviewer on TSN’s Off the Record, is this century’s recipient of The Linesman’s prestigious "Man of the Minute" award. This award is so rare and so next-to-impossible to receive that we have no intention to ever honour any other human being with it.

"Despite the fact that Mr. Landsberg works for our chief sports media rival I want to honour this man for his hard work and inexplicable physical appearance," said Linesman editor-in-chief Liz Oak.

"In fact, I secretly want him to be interviewing athletes on behalf of The Linesman. It's a shame that TSN got him first. Nevertheless, he has inspired us all to talk faster than normal, smile less, gel our hair with tree sap and spray-paint our office walls," she finished.

As Liz Oak explained, "Man of the Minute" is meant to honour a Canadian sports caster/interviewer for his or her hard work displayed over a period of sixty seconds.

"I was watching Off the Record once and noticed that for a combined (not consecutive) fifty nine seconds Michael Landsberg did not speak. I immediately realized the importance of this accomplishment and felt the need to honour it," editor-in-chief Liz Oak said.

Along with the tin-foil trophy, Mr. Landsberg will receive a free gift certificate to a local Toronto botox clinic and a Costco super-package of chapstick.

Emery Enters Recording Studio

2008-03-18T09:07:00.004-04:00

Everyone deals with demotion differently. Some people cry to themselves in their bedroom. Others bring semi-automatic rifles to work and maul their friends. Some turn to alcohol and drugs. But if there is one thing to learn in life, it is that everyone is different and that we should hate each other for our differences.

That is why the Ottawa Senators' goalie Ray Emery has chosen a unique path to bide his time as Martin Gerber's back-up.

"Drugs, gangs, violence and girls... Naw, that would have been too cliche," Emery said yesterday.

"That's why I've used my spare time to rap and create some tracks. This is for my brothers and my fans," he said.

Emery's debut album, Gangster Goalie, is set to hit stores in four months. It is set to feature hit songs such as Getting Pulled Over In My Hummer, L8 4 Work Again, and Mmmm That Cockroach Wuz Tasty. The tracks are currently being produced by legendary producer Dr. Dre.

"Um, I dunno what you heard about this album coming out in four months. To my knowledge, Ray hasn't entered any recording studio. By the way, where is he?" said Dr. Dre.

Yeah. Where is Ray Emery? What a strange person!

Pronger Steps On Baby's Head, Shrugs

2008-03-18T04:20:00.005-04:00

IN THE NEAR PAST - A baby was submitted into urgent care yesterday after its head was accidentally flattened in a local park. Luckily doctors were able to reconstruct the baby's face. Unluckily however, the infant's face is now stuck in a permanent grin.

"I personally think we should just kill this child," said Dr. Seminaro Cupalli.

"Babies are stupid but this one is really stupid, especially since all its brain matter was crushed. Is anyone planning any medical experiments soon?" finished Dr. Cupalli.

The man who stepped on the baby's face has been identified as Anaheim Ducks' star defenceman Chris Pronger.

"I'm a physical player," Pronger said in his defence.

"And I'm really sorry that I crushed this baby's dreams of reaching the age of 3."

As a result of his actions Pronger has since been sentenced to eight minutes of community service.

Billy Crystal's 1-Day Yankees Contract Terminated

2008-03-11T09:27:00.004-04:00

It was announced today that Billy Crystal would join the New York Yankees roster for a game against the Pittsburgh Pirates on March 13, 2008. Those plans have since been cancelled.

"We promised America that we'd be harsher on steroid users in the MLB and as funny as Mr. Crystal is we simply cannot make exceptions," said Bud Selig.

Billy Crystal failed a random drug test conducted before the game. He tested positive for horse testosterone, HGH, crack, an epidural anesthestic, and the vitamin B-12. The doctors, who were in disbelief, even conducted a testicle examination to confirm the results of the drug test. Billy's "crystal" balls were smaller than they should be.

"I'm almost numb to some of these suggestions that I took steroids," said Billy Crystal in an intimate Youtube video he released last night.

Before giving "the finger" to reporters he gave them high-fives and free autographs of the DVD When Harry Met Sally.

The Cleveland Indians, who were interested in signing Crystal to a one year minor-league contract, have abandoned their idea of pursuing the aging comedian.

Report: Tim Hortons Brier Is Not A Doughnut

2008-03-11T07:03:00.007-04:00

Our news organization, much like yourself, was really excited about the Tim Hortons Brier. After all, who doesn't look forward to a new addition to the Tim Hortons menu?

So we sent our reporter Soo Min-ji to the nearby Tim Hortons near our headquarters to pick up a dozen of the new Brier-flavoured doughnuts. She returned empty handed, however. Editor-in-chief Liz Oak nearly fired her until Min-ji explained that the Brier wasn't edible.

"I'm extremely depressed," Liz explained yesterday.

"This now means that we have to take money out of our budget, which frankly doesn't actually exist yet, and charter a reporter to Winnipeg so that we can cover this damn curling tournament. But... we'll probably just not do that and make up some fictious reports," Liz finished.

The Linesman coverage of the Brier begins tomorrow. Soo Min-ji is boarding an airplane bound for Winnipeg right now. In fact, she's probably there already.

Chris Simon Visits Young Offenders Prison

2008-03-10T09:43:00.006-04:00

The NHL's most respected player, Chris Simon, visited a young offenders prison in Winnipeg last week. He was a special guest lecturer in an anti-violence workshop that strives to prevent youth-at-risk from getting further involved with crime.

"I used to be like you. Drunk, violent and deadbeat," Simon began in his keynote speech.

"But since those days I've accomplished a lot in my life. Aside from a few NHL goals that I've scored I've beatten the shit out of a lot of hockey players. From what I can remember, I once purposely stepped on Jarkko Ruutu's foot. I also put a stick in Ryan Hollweg's face," he said.

"Um... I cross checked Peter Popovic in the throat. Elbowed Anders Eriksson... I jumped Ruslan Fedotenko and kneed Sergei Zubov. I'm also really proud of myself for calling Mike Grier a nigger. Man, it was really awkward when we played on the same team for a while. But anyways," Simon said.

The NHLer spent 40 minutes of his speech drawing attention to his First Nations heritage. He also dedicated ample time to remind everyone that he had a wife and children. By the time Simon's speech was over the audience was in love with him. Some members of the audience went as far as to shower him in rose petals.

A 15 year-old who cannot be identified due to the Canadian Young Offender's Act braved a question for Simon:

"What were you thinking when you slashed Hollweg in the face and stepped on Ruutu's foot?"

Simon responded:

"In the Hollweg incident I was just really mad. I needed to vent my frustration, you know? What does the NHL expect me to do? Deal with my problems in an honourable and responsible way? That's just absurd!"

"As for Ruutu... My whole life, I never liked it when someone got 'picked on.' That's why I'm an enforcer in the NHL. Any time I don't like what's going on, get angry, or even if my team is losing in a bad game, I'll just start beating people up."

"I hope that made sense," he said, and then left the podium.

Unfortunately because Simon took so long the social workers who were supposed to provide inspirational lectures did not have time to speak at the anti-violence workshop.

Toronto City Hall Proposes "Self-policing" Law

2008-03-05T19:02:00.003-05:00

In an effort to appease its largest visible minority, Leafs Nation, the City of Toronto has initiated plans to create drafts of potential new laws that respect the rights of citizen hockey fans. Mayor David Miller revealed a pivotal “self-policing” law at a law-making conference last evening.

“Leafs Nation citizens are an important people whose rights will be violated until we update our laws. This is 2008. It is embarrassing that police are the only people who have the right to use physical force to enforce the law,” Mayor Miller said.

After his introductory remarks Miller explained the “self-policing” law in more depth.

According to the new law, citizens, especially large and unintelligent men, have the right to “promote peace and order by beating the shit out of people deemed suspicious or annoying.”

“Is this potentially an invitation for corruption? No. History shows that when the state institutes and promotes violence society thrives,” Miller added in his closing remarks.

It remains unknown whether the proposed “self-policing” law will permit enforcers to carry out their violence with the use of weapons. Policy makers, however, have been informed and subsequently report that hockey sticks might be allowed.

Leafs Nation Threatens To Separate

2008-03-04T00:59:00.003-05:00

A representative from Leafs Nation, the official name of the Maple Leafs fan base, visited Metropolitan Toronto City Hall today to announce plans to claim sovereignty.

“Leafs Nation has its own distinct language. It’s called the ‘unspoken code of hockey.’ You probably don’t speak it because you’re not as intelligent as we are,” said Leafs Nation representative, Maximilian Defacto.

It is not quite clear what rank or position Mr. Defacto officially holds.

“The city of Toronto doesn’t respect our rights as citizens. Such as the right to fight. That’s a god-given right that Toronto can’t take away from us. We begin our fight for sovereignty today,” he said.

Reports indicate that Mr. Defacto was escorted out of Toronto City Hall after he attempted to assault the receptionist.

With the exception of the physical effort security guards used in order to physically remove Maximilian Defacto, City Hall responded calmly to the threats.

“If they actually do separate they’ll have to draw the border between Leafs Nation and Toronto with a piece of chalk. This decision won’t go by without a referendum though,” said Toronto Mayor David Miller.

Leaf Fans React To Trade News

2008-02-29T00:17:00.015-05:00

TORONTO - Several violent riots erupted all across the Greater Toronto Area yesterday as Maple Leaf fans learned that Cliff Fletcher was unable to gain any significant players via the 2008 NHL Trade Deadline.

"I'm really angry. Sundin, McCabe, all of those guys should have waived their no trade clauses," said an anonymous Leaf fan.

"This gives me a great reason to start fighting right now so I'm happy about that," he said and then punched our reporter Ted Sanders in the nose.

Before losing consciousness, Sanders was busy interviewing rioting Leaf fans in front of the Air Canada Centre. A particular sect of Leafs Nation gathered in downtown Toronto to express emotions and to burn money. This counts as the second Leafs Nation money-burning bondfire of the year.

Several local pedestrians and tourists, who were unfortunately in the wrong place at the wrong time, were physically assaulted by the fans. Reports also indicate that a handful of pigeons were captured and then later grilled in the money-bond fire. Both Amnesty International and PETA dispatched officials in response to the violence.

"I'm mad at the Leafs organization for doing shit-all in the trade," said Northern Ontario lumberjack James Hundy. He had commuted four and a half hours from Littleshack, Ontario, to join the protest.

"This is what we call retaliation!" he yelled and then swung an axe around in the air, beheading three fellow fans.

After the riot began to calm down (due to the fact that numerous people were either beheaded or injured by this point), a new Leafs riot crew arrived from Scarborough. Dropped off in a city bus, the Scarborough fans regained the momentum of the brawl by throwing knives at each other. Despite being unarmed, the few survivors of the original riot joined in too.

As the violence continued the Toronto Police parked their cruisers and cheered the fighters on from a safe distance. The cops finally intervened when they realized that the axe-bearing lumberjack, the only person left standing, was in mid charge towards the police squad. Before clashing with a cruiser the police tasered the man until he died of electrocution.

Report: Fighting Solves Domestic Conflict

2008-02-26T01:10:00.009-05:00

In a staggering report released today researchers at Queen's University have announced that physical violence is the most efficient method to help solve marital disputes.

"Communication, tolerance, mediation and therapy are things of the past. If you have a problem with your wife, beat her." said Professor Renee Liebel.

"If you happen to be a wife you naturally won't be able to physically outdo your husband. In this case just shut your trap, accept what your husband says and submit," finished Dr. Liebel.

The NHL was very quick to pick up on the report because the league is currently under fire from the Canadian government. Parliament Hill began an investigation of the NHL's fighting rules when it realized that violence potentially contradicts Canadian values.

"Like normal people, our players and teams usually carry grudges against a handful of opponents. This report justifies our rules that permit our grown men to vent out their frustration and anger with the use of brute force," said disciplinarian Colin Campbell from his yacht in Florida.

"If violence can solve a marital dispute, then violence can solve inter-team feuds as well," finished Campbell.

Before we could ask Campbell to further explain his logic he proceeded to repeatedly punch our reporter in the face. Thankfully, Soo Min-ji safely returned to our headquarters having only lost blood from her vagina.

NHL GMs Discuss Potential Rule Changes

2008-02-19T20:01:00.004-05:00

General Managers from across the National Hockey League are currently meeting for three days in Naples, Florida, to determine if the league needs any rules changed. They will obviously discuss the subject of fighting, along with the subjects of women and the literary works of Lord Alfred Tennyson.

"The NHL does not need to change. We're the only professional sports league in North America that still allows its own players to voluntarily injure opponents with the use of brute force. But that doesn't make us look outdated. It makes us look really classy," said Anaheim GM Brian Burke.

Overall game-length has also become an issue lately because some games are beginning to drag out to as long as 4 hours in length.

"I think the most logical solution to this problem is to increase the amount of fighting," said hockey operations co-ordinator Collin Campbell.

All of the GMs showed signs of agreement towards Campbell's wise advice.

"But how do we increase fighting?" asked a confused Anaheim GM Brian Burke.

"Well, I was thinking... In light of Richard Zednik's recent 'ah there's blood spurting everywhere' neck injury, we should encourage the players to cut each others' necks with their skate blades," Campbell said.

"But how?" said Oilers GM Kevin Lowe while scratching his neck.

"Teach them all how to do handstands! Just aim for the neck. The crowd will go nuts for the blood. Our games will also finally be included in ESPN's highlight reels."

"But wasn't Zednik's injury undesirable and tragic?" asked Toronto's Cliff Fletcher.

"Well you see, it's only tragic because he got 'zednecked' by accident. If it was done on purpose the crowd would have loved it. Besides, blood and force is the NHL's philosophy," Campbell finished.

Sylvester Stallone was contacted the following day and hired to instruct all the goons in the NHL, one by one, on how to perform a handstand on ice.

Photo credit: About.com

Jason Kiddnapped Overnight

2008-02-19T08:27:00.010-05:00

First Deavon George used veto power to block a trade that would have landed Jason Kidd back in Dallas. Then, after things were re-sorted, Jerry Stackhouse said some things that once again haulted the trade. Then Jason Kidd just disappeared.

In fact, he went missing last night at approximately 12:30 am. His wife had called 911 and notified the police that she managed to go to bed without acquiring any bruises. The police frantically searched the area around his mansion but failed to identify any suspects.

"Even though Mr. Kidd isn't available to go about his nightly routine with his wife, we generously provided a prison inmate to temporarily accompany the missus to bed," said Kidnapping Unit Head Officer #2, Rance Clayton.

"We've got a serious kiddnapping on our hands. Mark Cuban isn't a suspect either because he owns this police force," finished Clayton.

From what the media has been told, no other NBA players have gone missing yet. If anyone notices any sudden roster changes in either the New Jersey Nets or Dallas Mavericks, please contact an organization not owned by a Mark Cuban.

Media Interviews Pitcher Eric Gagne

2008-02-18T19:39:00.006-05:00

Our Linesman reporter Soo Min-ji was among the hundreds who gathered at Eric Gagne's Steroids Apology Conference yesterday. As you've probably heard, Mr. Gagne was named in the Mitchell Report. The media has eagerly anticipated a public address from Gagne since the initial Report was released in late 2007.

Media: Mr. Gagne, are you going to apologize to your fans for cheating and deceiving them?
Gagne: Non. Je suis un grand sac de douche.
Media: Mr. Gagne, could you please speak in English? We respect your French-Canadian identity, but we, the media, want to make sure that your American and English-speaking Canadian fans understand how apologetic you are.
Gagne: Sucez mes testicules, retardés anglais.
Media: Your words are so moving. Capture our hearts even further by telling us something about your French-Catholic family.

Gagne: Ma famille forcera la banane dans votre vagin.

Media: Life truly is beautiful, wow. Now tell us, did you actually use HGH?

Gagne: HGH mon anus. Vous êtes une tête de merde.

Media: So you're just as innocent as Roger Clemens says he is?

Gagne: Roger et vous pouvez sucer mon pénis.

Media: You've definitely given us the impression that you're innocent. It's too bad that this steroids scandal has become a distraction, eh?

Gagne: Vous est des cheveux pubiens. Mangez mon érection, la chienne!

Media: Thanks Mr. Gagne for apologizing in such style. You're still a hometown hero.

Gagne: Au revoir, prostituée.

Zaun Offers Steroids Denial Advice

2008-02-17T20:05:00.014-05:00

Inspired by Paul Byrd's example, Gregg Zaun entered the book industry last week by publishing a self-help guide geared towards MLB players. The publisher, Random Syringe Ltd., expects the book to surge in sales as soon as 98% of MLB drug users re-grow the size of their balls and prepare to speak out publicly.

The book comes in a box set. The contents of the box are as follows:

- 1 self-help guide

- 30 vials of truth juice

- 70 syringes

- 55 guaze pads

- 80 band-aids

- FREE six pack of Miller Lite

After violently threatening the publishers the Linesman eventually acquired the rights to publish excerpts from this genre-bending book. We are so proud to deliver another award-winning Linesman exclusive:

Are you in the Mitchell Report? Has your name been linked to steroids? Do you like hot dogs? If you answered yes to these three questions then this book is for you. Think back and ask yourself: did I really take steroids or HGH? Now before you panic just breathe deeply and say: "No, I didn't." You know why? Because it's not true. You and I are professional baseball players. Why should we have anything to do with steroids? My name is Gregg Zaun and allow me to inject you with the knowledge...

Only approach the media when you're ready. When you do, you'll probably be asked the following question: "Did you ever take steroids or human growth hormone?"

This question will probably catch you off guard so you have to prepare yourself in answering it. Although extremely straighforward, the question is very deceptive. The answer could be yes, no, maybe, probably, sometimes, etc. So you want to make sure that you don't give the wrong answer. Below are a list of suggestions that advise you on how to tackle this complicated question:

Did you ever take steroids or human growth hormone?

Naaaawwwwww.

- Accentuate the nasal "aw" sound when you give your answer. Draw it out, preferably 5 to 8 seconds long. If you want to appear confident, follow this suggestion.

Uh, Nope.

- If you're "a man of small words," then this method is for you. Give this answer quickly and only in one breath. No more than a second long. Make the "uh" sound like you're saying: "uh, you're stupid."

Hmmm... I don't ever remember taking steroids, so I guess the answer is no.

- This is the most lawful way to respond. If you demonstrate that you don't remember then that means that you didn't do it, period. Great way to convince anyone of anything.

Never, I swear I never did 'em.

- This is a great way to deny steroid allegations if you're from the South. Say it in your best southern drawl. Show a lot of pride in your tone. If you see a leg of fried chicken around you, grab it and wave it in the air as you speak.

Isn't it obvious? No.

- If you want to look pissed off use this answer. Appearing angry will work in your favour because it'll show that you care about the truth. To add even more anger in your tone sigh deeply before beginning this answer.

Negator.

- If you like science fiction or building models then this answer is for you. Wear glasses during the interview, especially if you're not seen in glasses often. If you don't need glasses then buy fake ones. Play up your geeky personality in order to gain the public's sympathy and then say this answer like you "really mean it."

I have never violated MLB's drug policy or failed any drug tests.

- This is my preferred way to answer the question but by no means is it the best. I chose to use this method because it gets right to the point: that I never failed a drug test.

In conclusion, don't say "no" when asked the question. It sounds dishonest...

The Linesman graciously thanks Random Syringe Ltd. for the rights to re-distribute the excerpts seen above.

Clemens Pleads Vanity

2008-02-13T20:03:00.007-05:00

Using a hammer and a chisel, our Linesman reporter Ted Sanders recorded the transcript of Roger Clemens' final comments during today's courtroom appearance. As always, we are proud to exceed beyond our competitors by bringing you the most up-to-date and accurate sports reports:

A few days ago I testified before a grand jury.

I answered their questions truthfully, including questions about my buttocks. Questions nobody would ever want to answer.

Still, I will not take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I might as well just bake a pizza, take a giant shit on it, dress it with corn, and then deliver it to you instead of continue talking. But I think you would much rather prefer the sound of my voice over the smell of my shit.

As you know, in my interview on 60 minutes, I was asked questions about my relationship with HGH and steroids. While my answers were legally accurate, I did not tell the truth. You follow me?

Indeed, I did have a relationship with HGH that was not appropriate. However, it didn’t really constitute a critical lapse in judgment or a personal failure on my part because I’m "the Rocket."

While on the subject of myself, I beg to ask: why doesn’t anyone like me any more? I don’t give false impressions. Didn’t you see me handing out free autographed baseballs earlier before we entered court and got all serious? I dedicated an hour from my busy schedule to sign those balls before arriving on Capitol Hill.

Let me tell you something. There are two kinds of truths: the real truth and then my truth. You take a look at my records, at my legacy, at my "foundation." Look at my four children whose names all begin with the letter K. You can even take a look at my hot wife posing in a swimsuit magazine. And THEN try and convince me that you don’t have the heart to believe me.

Can we break for lunch after this?

Photo credit: Rudy C. Jones

Spielberg Fired, Beijing Searches for Replacement Director

2008-02-12T19:37:00.001-05:00

For majority of the world that wasn't aware, Steven Spielberg was actually (yes, actually) slated to direct the opening ceremony of the 2008 Beijing Olympics. That plan changed yesterday, however, when the Beijing Olympic committee unanimously decided to terminate Spielberg's contract and schedule a private execution.

"God damnit, where's my jet, I want to go home -" said Spielberg over the phone to his wife in the 15 seconds he was allowed with his one phone call.

Reportedly, Chinese guards beat Spielberg over the back of the neck with batons before he could finish his message. The phone dangled by its cord as the director was taken back to the Great Wall of China, the location of his imprisonment.

The Chinese government claims that they were justified in firing and imprisoning Spielberg because his directorial vision for the opening ceremony was "nothing but a self-absorbed tribute to his legacy and trashy American ideals of capitalism."

The US embassy was notified of the arrest.

"We heard about the incident so naturally we felt a sense of alarm," said US embassy diplomat Steven McFarlen.

"But after we saw the storyboards that Mr. Spielberg created we sided with the Chinese and ignored the issue," finished McFarlen.

The storyboards, which were on display at Tiananmen Square until they were trampled over by military tanks moments ago, called for a gymnastics performance by ET replica robots. The story boards also indicated for the creation of an aquarium full of acrobatic jumping sharks, and a re-creation of the Munich Olympic bombings. The closing of the ceremony was scheduled to end with velociraptors chasing the athletes out of the stadium.

It is still unknown whether Beijing has found a replacement director. However, sources do indicate that Michael Bay was kidnapped from his home yesterday evening.

Convicted Rapists Rally In Support Of McNamee

2008-02-12T02:32:00.003-05:00

As Jose Canseco gave a "sworn affidavit" that Clemens did not take steroids McNamee got support from his own group of friends.

"I know when a man is telling the truth when I look him in the eyes," said convicted serial killer/rapist Paul Bernardo yesterday from his solitary confinement cell in Kingston, Ontario.

"Men like us also understand each other better than any one else. McNamee is clear," finished Bernardo, while attempting to grope our female reporter, Soo Min-Ji.

Mr. Bernardo stood up as high as he could without bashing his head into the ceiling and began a one-man protest within his maximum security cell. The sound of his shouts was surprisingly audible through the 15 inch-thick walls. Exactly what he was saying remains unknown, however.

Ted Bundy, who has more mobility because he is a ghost, was able to visit Brian McNamee on Capitol Hill.

"Hi-five!" said McNamee as he gave a high-five to a mostly invisible image that resembled the deceased serial killer Ted Bundy.

"Ted Bundy's ghost, you're awesome for coming out, buddy! Now don't you go and rape any women," said McNamee, whose morale clearly began to rise as a result of his supporters' help.

McNamee also stated that Bundy promised to haunt Roger Clemens' dreams the night before the final trial. Our reporters, on the other hand, attempted to interview Ted Bundy but weren't successful in locating the spirit. The Linesman was also too cheap to hire a spirit medium.

Brady: Crasturbation Eases The Pain

2008-02-11T23:56:00.001-05:00

In the dying quarter of this month's Super Bowl Tom Brady changed from Mr. Perfect into Mr. Loser in a matter of minutes. It was a feeling that he and his team hadn't felt all year so it was especially harsh.

"This sucks," Brady said yesterday in an MSN conversation with our field reporter Ted Sanders.

"BRB," he said.

Earlier in the online conversation before Brady mysteriously disappeared he expressed to our reporter that "crasturbation" has helped him cope with the feeling of loss. For those of you repressed religious zealots who don't know, crasturbation is the act of "sexually pleasuring oneself while crying."

"Even though male graduate students in the sciences or engineering usually do this, I do it too now," Brady stated.

As unfortunate as Brady's loss was, we officially have no sympathy for people who are good-looking, make millions of dollars and date Brazilian super models. Many of the staff reporters on The Linesman crasturbate but for reasons other than Brady's failure to attain perfection.

Report: Clemens Sought MIB For Help

2008-02-11T23:25:00.001-05:00

Extremely credible sources reported today that Roger Clemens contacted Men In Black Inc. (MIB) in early February. Agent J, a spokesperson for MIB who eerily resembles Will Smith, spoke on behalf of the alien agency:

"We received a call yesterday at approximately 4:17 pm from a man who identified himself as 'the best baseball pitcher to walk planet earth.' Little did he realize that we had call display," began Agent K.

"He asked whether he could purchase one of our patented memory-erasing flash sticks. We immediately felt suspicious over his motives and declined to deal with him any further. Such dangerous equipment is not available to the public, not even to the best pitcher on planet earth."

The United States government did not express much surprise over the news.

"It doesn't phase us. Roger tried to convince us that he was a non-English speaker from the Dominican Republic in yesterday's court hearings," said Capitol Hill judge Sir William Mathis.

"We obviously didn't believe him because he is far too handsome to be an ethnic minority," finished Judge Mathis while bashing his gavel over top of a woman's head.

In between questioning periods Clemens has reportedly been seen taking shelter in a human shield consisting of 1001 lawyers. America eagerly awaits a just end to this horrific saga.

Sidney Crosby Injury Conference

2008-01-30T23:07:00.000-05:00

The only hockey player in the world, Sidney Crosby, injured his ankle last week. The media and NHL went into a frenzy over the horrible news. Subsequently, everyone remotely interested in hockey stopped paying attention to the NHL all together. These uninterested fans, most of whom reside in the sunny states such as Florida and California, cancelled their NHL TV subscriptions in reaction to the news.

A collective group of reporters representing the sports media gathered at a conference to discuss Mr. Crosby's injury:

Media: How does it feel being out of the lineup?

Sidney Crosby: It's really hard on me because for the first time in my career my name or face won't dominate the Canadian sports headlines. I feel so unimportant all of a sudden. Me sad.

M: Do you think this is an opportunity for the other young players on your team to step up?

SC: No. I specifically told all of my young team mates to not score any goals until I get back.

M: Do you think Evgeni Malkin is ready to be a team leader?

SC: No I don't think he's ready nor will he ever be. History shows that Russians do not know how to lead very well. I'll poison him before he becomes a leader.

M: What about the veterans like Gary Roberts? Do you think he'll step into the role that you left vacant?

SC: Again, no. No one can accomplish what I'm capable of. The Pittsburgh Penguins are useless without me.

M: Does your injury hurt?

SC: Right now? No.

M: Did it hurt at the time of injury?

SC: The moment I fell and twisted my ankle, yes, it hurt a lot.

M: Are you really injured?

SC: Yes, I am really injured.

M: Is that a lie?

SC: No, I'm not lying when I say that I'm injured.

M: Have you ever been injured before?

SC: Yes. On January 6th, 1990, when I was a three-year-old playing in the Nova Scotia Men's Amateur Hockey League, I was trampled by an opposing player. All of my limbs were severed off but I continued to play and scored 40 goals in that game. I don't remember the rest of the details because I was still a toddler at the time. Basically it came down to me getting stitched up in the hospital later that evening. However, I've never had an injury as bad as the ankle injury I have now.

M: On the subject of now, what are you going to do now?

SC: Now I think I might stop playing hockey and become a baker. Maybe at Tim Hortons or if I don't like that perhaps a small local bakery in Cole Habour.

M: By the time you return to the lineup will you forget how to play hockey?

SC: A wise man once said: "To practice is to be the best. To not practice is to forget." Therefore logic dictates that the answer to your question is yes. When I return to the ice in 2 and a half months I will only be as useful as any Toronto Maple Leafs player not named Mats. But the likelihood of me returning at all is slim because I really want to be a baker.

M: Have you ever injured your ankle before?

SC: No but when I was in Grade Seven I used to shoot heroin in the vein on my left ankle so my past drug abuse will probably come back to haunt me.

M: Were you warned about the dangers of returning to the lineup too soon?

SC: No. The Penguins' team doctors are always drunk when I deal with them so I never understand their slurred advice. Then again I played with a broken foot towards the end of my rookie season so I don't see the harm in returning next week.

M: How are you going to rehabilitate yourself over the next 2 months?

SC: My rehab will consist of drinking heavily everyday with Chris Simon on various Native reserves in Northern Ontario.

M: Do you ever look at the Penguins schedule and say to yourself, "I want to be back on this day?"

SC: Excuse me, I don't ever say: "I want." Normally people just look at me and shower me in diamonds. I don't need to ever say that I want something. I have everything I need and people give me stuff all the time. I should also mention that I don't own a calendar.

M: Are you going to watch the all-star game in Atlanta?

SC: I'll probably be sleeping with Mario Lemieux's wife instead.

M: Does your injury have a positive effect?

SC: Yes because I've now decided to change careers and become a baker.

Tom Brady Caught With Wooden Peg Leg

2008-01-23T02:10:00.000-05:00

NEW YORK - Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was photographed Monday with what appears to be a wooden peg leg.

The Boston Herald's website displayed the photos. In addition, a video of Brady hopping awkwardly with a wooden peg leg from an SUV to his supermodel girlfriend's apartment in New York is available on TMZ.com. Don't ask us for any pictures because our news organization doesn't own a single camera. We just steal pictures.

It has also been reported that a parrot was spotted atop of Brady's right shoulder.

The Patriots, currently chasing a perfect season, will look extremely foolish if they fail to beat the Giants in this year's Super Bowl.

"Yeehar, everyone gets bumps and bruises. I'll be at the Super Bowl regardless," Brady said Monday during his weekly radio appearance on WEEI.

"I might have one leg amputated, but I'd have to be on a stretcher to miss this one. In games like this you get roughed up a little. It's nothing serious."

Last game, Brady threw three interceptions against the Chargers in one of his worst (albeit rare) performances this year. It is suspected that this poor showing could be blamed on Brady's new metal hook that replaced his left hand (it was chewed off by a rabid squirrel earlier this month).

Ferguson Misses "Top Prospects" Game

2008-01-22T09:28:00.000-05:00

This year the NHL's incoming talent of the future will showcase their skill over two days in Edmonton. The first day will feature a skills competition and the second day will feature an actual game. Scouts and GMs from every team will watch and secretly decide which players to choose come their draft pick.

GM of the Toronto Maple Leafs, John Ferguson Jr., missed the entire event.

"The Edmonton Dog Show only happens once a year," said Ferguson in his defence.

"My personal advisor of hockey affairs, who just happens to be a dog, suggested that I see the show. I can't make a good decision for myself so why should I go against my advisor's advice?"

"Woof," said Fletcher the pooch.

According to Ferguson, the dog's ruffs and woofs roughly translated to: "I have a boner."

As soon as members of the media began asking further questions Ferguson summoned a boom box and hit the play button. While cradling the radio between his head and his right shoulder he walked out of the room to the tune of "Fergalicious."

Reportedly, Ferguson can shake his hips quite well.

Buick Invitational Introduces Golden Noose Trophy

2008-01-22T00:35:00.000-05:00

The Buick Invitational, one of professional golf's first important tournaments of the year, has decided to change their award traditions.

"Nobody likes the winner of any sport, any tournament. Especially if he's a minority," said tournament organizer Harold Smith.

"We think the best way to express congratulation and jealousy at the same time is to award the top ranking player of the Buick Invitational a 'golden noose.' The second ranking player wins the actual trophy but the prize money is split between the noose winner and the trophy winner," he finished.

"All of a sudden I'm less excited about winning this year's Buick Invitational," joked Tiger Woods at his mansion in Tiger Woods Town, USA.

"You know, don't want anybody using my own trophy to hang me in a tree. Even though most people would prefer to see that," he added, afterwhich he hopped into a limo and visited the local Tiger Woods Grocery Store.

According to the new rules of the tournament the winner must wear the noose around his neck when posing for the official picture on the podium. We're very anxious to see who will take top prize this year.

Report: Sidney Crosby Might Survive Injury

2008-01-22T00:27:00.000-05:00

Sidney Crosby's entire career has recently been threatened by a dangerously lethal ankle injury. Despite the bad news the Penguins franchise hasn't sold itself and moved to a different city just yet.

"We are 98% sure that Mr. Crosby will survive this injury," said Penguins team Doctor Elijah Hook.

"He should be able to walk next week and hopefully after that get back onto his skates. His ankle is directly connected to his heart and brain - and one wrong move can kill him instantly - so rehabilitation is possible only if we handle this one carefully."

Despite the good news Pittsburgh's coach was singing a different tune.

"We will definitely lose every single game until he returns to the lineup," said coach Michelle Thereon.

"I will also probably commit suicide tomorrow. Sidney's injury is as bad as a plane flying into the White House."

Our Linesman reporter was unable to get a personal comment from Sidney because he was at the time being serenaded by a fleet of Buddhist and Hindu healing monks.

Mitchell Plans Safe Injection Sites

2008-01-21T07:41:00.000-05:00

Seeing as how World Finger Pointing War II (otherwise known as the MLB steroids problem) will not go away calmly the MLB steroids commission has decided to stop fighting the problem all together. They've actually decided to work with the drug problem.

"If we decriminalize steroids and actually provide them for the players then we could control things a little easier," said steroids expert and long-time HGH user George Mitchell.

"I mean, either way, all these rich baseball players can afford manipulative lawyers that will clear their name. Then the scientists will create undetectable HGH in the short future. And of course all the players are greedy enough to keep doing the drugs without admitting," Mitchell finished.

The MLB is beginning to construct injection stations directly in the dugouts. They have been certified by the National Aids Society (NAS) as 100% safe.

"The fans will be able to see who is injecting and who is not. That way people can throws potatoes, dead pigeons and seaweed at the players abusing drugs," said Bud Selig.

"Does that make sense?" he added, while clutching his heart and convulsing on the floor.

To add to the positive vibe caused by the news of this brilliant new plan Jose Canseco added his stamp of approval.

"This is the best idea since I introduced steroids into the league," Canseco said while flexing his biceps and flirting with a nearby hooker.

Excerpts From 60 Minutes

2008-01-09T06:35:00.000-05:00

On January 6th, some old man in a grey suit asked Roger Clemens a bunch of trick questions on a television show called "60 minutes." Yes, we too thought that "60 Minutes" was a porn flick but it's actually just a boring game show where no one wins any money (the contestants don't win any respect either).

Since it actually costs money to have the rights to show excerpts of 60 minutes on one's web page The Linesman is unable to provide any video footage of the interview. Our field reporter, Ted Sanders, asked Mr. Clemens some questions before and after the interview but we have actually lost contact with Ted. If you hear or see him please notify us immediately. He has missed his deadline.

So, due to our incompetence we are only able to provide a script of the interview. The truth finally comes out:

Old man in grey suit: I think there are machines now that can determine if a person is lying or not. Have you heard of these magical things?

The wrongfully accused tool: Forget the lie detector. [drinks from his water bottle] My wife come home with a new one from BestBuy yesterday and I yell "take it back!" What is a machine anyways? Can you trust them? Remember what The Matrix was about? If a machine doesn't have feelings then it can't have innocence, which means it doesn't know what truth is.

OMIGS: Hypothetically speaking, if you took steroids, and if steroids morphed your body significantly, and you could choose to have an extra body part, what extra body part would you most prefer to have?

TWAT: You know what? [drinks from his water bottle] You can see the truth just by looking at me. Do I have a third ear growing out of my forehead? No. Can I pull a tractor with my teeth? No. Look at me! I'm a wealthy, arrogant, fat and lazy baesball player who is wrongly accused of taking steroids. That's what the truth is. I'm just like one of them minorities but my skin ain't dark and I'm handsome.

OMIGS: Even after these steroids allegations, do you consider baseball your favourite sport?

TWAT: I've dedicated my whole life to the game of baseball. You know what I did last season with the Yankees? I just played whenever I felt like it. I said "fuck training camp, I'll be at the cottage!" And the year before that, [takes a sip from his water bottle] I didn't go on any road games with the Astros. I've even named each of my kids names that begin with the letter "K." It's such a mystery to me why no one respects me.

OMIGS: Wait a second, are you even answering my questions?

TWAT: It didn't happen. It didn't happen. [drinks some water] It just didn't happen. It just just just just [drinks a brown fluid] just didn't happen happen [lights a cigarette] didn't it didn't happen. Happen [feeds his Tamagotchi] didn't no just happen no didn't just happen HAPPEN.

OMIGS: What just happened?

TWAT: Can I say one more thing.

OMIGS: Well sure but it better be fast because your 60 minutes are up.

TWAT: Jesus. And I have a foundation. And I have a family. My kids are sad. They're hurt. Ahem, Jesus.

The old man in the grey suit is an anchor on the popular show "60 Minutes." Send him an email at omigs@60minutes.com if you have any comments or suggestions. Although you should hurry with that email because he is scheduled to die in three days.

Person of the Year: Michael Vick

2008-01-03T00:23:00.001-05:00

Dear readers,

I, editor-in-chief Liz Oak, veto all the other votes from fellow Linesman writers and singlehandedly declare Michael Vick as the best athlete of 2007. Roger Federer is a dick. Who the fuck voted for him? I hate this new staff.

Anyways. You might suspect that we're giving Vick this honour because we financially sponsor Bad Newz Kennels. Um no. That's not true. If Bad Newz sponsored us then that would be a different story.

Mr. Vick isn't a fucking loser like some of the players that played/play for America's drug league, Major League Baseball. I mean, dogfighting and dog sex is pretty low. But at least the man goes down with dignity. Note: Vick was caught and he didn't fight the charges (despite the fact that his dogs are experienced in combat).

There's something honourable about that because everyone else fights the truth at the expense of our patience. Even though Vick's apology was as entertaining as listening to me impersonate dolphins, he earns our respect. He earns extra points for enrolling in animal empathy classes. What a keener.

Other notable mentions include:

Best Public Apology: Paul Byrd

Best Athlete to Ascend into Heaven: Alex Rodriguez

Hottest ass (Over 40 category): Roger Clemens

Hottest ass (Under 10 category): Roger Clemens' daughter

Most Likely to Establish A Stalinist Personality Cult: Sidney Crosby

Most Convincing Liar: Barry Bonds

Most Popular Subject of Secret Sexual Fantasies: That guy, he plays on the New England Patriots. What's his fucking name?

Mostly likely drunk at this very moment: Chris Simon

Stupidest List: This one

Most likely to have butt sex with Jiri Tlusty in an alley: Don Cherry

Athlete Most Jealous of Jason Blake's Leukemia: Bryan McCabe

Sports Publication Most Likely To Get Sued for using copyrighted images: The Linesman

Athlete Whose Photo Most People Masturbated To: Michelle Wie (Runner up Jiri Tlusty)

Athlete Who Looks Most Like David Beckham: David Beckham

Photo credit: Janiri Tuluski of the Toronto Trapezoids (That's a team in the WNHL, duh). She posed for us for $40. That price didn't even include the sweet sex she offered. Well, we just raped her. Then killed her.

NBA Plans "Winter Classic"

2008-01-03T00:01:00.000-05:00

Inspired by the success of the NHL's 2008 Winter Classic, the NBA has decided to also host an outdoor game this February.

"Knicks vs. the Raptors in the Bronx. It'll be great. This event will celebrate basketball's roots," said the commissioner of the NBA, who wished to remain anonymous.

"Yo, this game will be hype," said Stephon Marbury. "Basketball is about the ghetto life. Oh snap it's tha shit ya'll that we'll be playing right at home."

Residents of the Bronx in New York gathered together at a local basketball court to drink Colt 45s and shoot pistols in celebration. Eddy Curry was among the partiers.

"Sheeeeyaat," he said while shotgunning a colt.

"This game will bring basketball closer to the people," he said and shot a few bullets into the air.

Canseco Barred From Press Conference, Fights Minotaur

2007-12-27T23:50:00.000-05:00

Jose Canseco, the world's sexiest athlete with the tiniest testicles, made an appearance at the official George Mitchell conference. He tried to anyways.

"Why don't you just let me in?" He yelled moments before the Mitchell report was disclosed.

"I'm a minority!" he shouted, afterwhich he began cursing in Spanish.

When organizers realized that security guards weren't enough to stop a man on steroids authorities requested backup. In response to the call Boris the minotaur from the Central Park Zoo was summoned.

"By the time Boris arrived Mr. Canseco nearly broke through our shield of large black security guards," said head security guard Sheldon Kerouac.

Witnesses described the battle between the minotaur and Canseco as "epic."

"I didn't think it was fair that Canseco was juiced," one witness said.

"He's lucky that he got away with only bruises," another witness added.

The fight ended shortly after the minotaur inserted its giant phallus into Canseco's tight anus. After multiple thrusts the two fighters shook hands and disappeared into an alley where they reportedly made love to each other for the rest of the day.

Toronto Athlete Nude Photos On Internet

2007-12-21T21:00:00.000-05:00

YESTERDAY - Nude photos of a female professional hockey player from Europe surfaced on the internet last night. Janiri Tuluski, a member of the Toronto Trapezoids of the WNHL, is the person identified in the photos.

One photo shows Ms. Tuluski “touching tongues” with another woman. The next three photos show her standing completely naked in an empty hotel room. Her breasts and vagina are clearly visible. It has been confirmed that she has a fire crotch.

Tuluski’s General Manager, Turd Ferguson, has released an official statement on behalf of the hockey player:

“Photographs were posted recently on the internet without Janiri's knowledge or consent. Posing naked is a harmless rite of passage that every female athlete goes through during her career. I congratulate her.”

Janiri also released a personal statement: “Unfortunately the pictures were candid and I didn't make any money off them. I have learned a valuable lesson and will approach a publication like Playboy before taking naked pictures of myself again.”

The public and media have gone bananas. The words scandal, horny, hot and sexy have all dominated the headlines relating to this incident. The Linesman contacted Tuluski's agent and negotiated a deal to show studio-quality nude photos of her next month.

Bertuzzi Beats Unsuspecting Grandma To Death

2007-12-21T03:01:00.000-05:00

While traveling on the subway home from court, Todd Bertuzzi physically assaulted an old woman to the point of death.

In questioning, the police asked Bertuzzi if Marc Crawford told him to carry out this heinous crime.

“Not even in the form of a telepathic message?” asked the police.

“No. I am 100% sure that Marc Crawford did not tell me to beat that old hag…”

“There's a difference between sending players out and knowing that once in awhile you have a job to do and whether it's your description to do it,” Bertuzzi said.

“I didn’t feel that I had much of a choice but to challenge this old woman to a fight,” he finished.

Following the questioning period, Paul Kukla, an NHL hockey blogger, was summoned to help translate Bertuzzi’s thoughts.

“NHLers speak a different language. You have to be an old-timer like me in order to understand. I have a lot of experience with the unwritten rules of the game,” said Kukla.

“You also have to bring yourself down to the level of a child when speaking to an NHLer. In order to see what he’s saying… Actually, give me a minute to figure this out,” Kukla said.

Bertuzzi was released on a $4000 bail. Shortly thereafter, he returned to the police station because he was caught mugging a 46-year old woman walking her dog.

Campbell Joins Simon on 3-month Drinking Binge

2007-12-21T02:57:00.000-05:00

The day after Chris Simon received the longest suspension in NHL history, NHL disciplinarian Collin Campbell called Chris Simon to a special private meeting at his office in New York.

“Personally, as soon as the door shut and we were alone, I thought he was going to ask me to suck his dick,” Simon said yesterday.

“But then he pulled out a bottle of 18-year old Scotch and I forget what happened after that. I remember that the Scotch was smooth though,” he finished.

Since our interview with Simon yesterday, his whereabouts (and Campbell’s for that matter) have been unknown. We can confirm that Simon was sober during our interview with him but he definitely had a 26 ounce bottle of Smirnoff in his breast pocket.

Judging by the long leave of absence Campbell has filed with the NHL, Hockey analyst Darren Dreger speculates that the two men have started an Ontario-wide Native reserve pub crawl.

Marc Crawford Bears Bertuzzi’s Guilt

2007-12-20T03:27:00.000-05:00

The case between Todd Bertuzzi and Steve Moore has finally come to an end. Before voting a unanimous “not guilty” verdict, the jury listened to Bertuzzi’s lawyer deliver the following speech. Here we go again for another Linesman exclusive brought to you by our courtroom reporter Ted Sanders:

Your honour, members of the jury…

My client, Todd Bertuzzi, is an idiot. When he's told to do something he does it. In fact, I would go as far as to declare him insane. He simply lacks the ability to make decisions for himself. He cannot help it though. You must take pity on him.

Mr. Bertuzzi has been playing hockey all his life. When other children were happily learning how to read Todd was playing hockey. He was being yelled at abusively by his coach. He was thus enslaved into a life of intense physical workouts and multi-million dollar contracts. It was his destiny to be in the NHL. It was his destiny to eat Steve Moore.

When Marc Crawford told him to "make Steve Moore pay a price," Mr. Bertuzzi had no choice. Could he have said to his coach: "I don't think revenge is a good idea," or, "beating the shit out of someone doesn't solve anything?" Absolutely not. In fact, we're lucky that Mr. Bertuzzi ate one player and one player only. He could have also eaten Adam Foote, Joe Sakic, or god forbid, a child. By devouring one person he spared the lives of many more.

Members of the jury. Think. Think this over carefully… Perhaps if I broke down my main points you will come to realize that my client is 100% innocent:

A. Mr. Bertuzzi is a hockey player, meaning, he is less intelligent than the average person.
B. Mr. Bertuzzi is from Sudbury, Ontario. This means he probably began drinking alcohol from the age of 4, and therefore, lacks normal brain function.
C. Mr. Bertuzzi has an Italian-sounding last name. Everyone knows Italians are naturally short-tempered. He cannot help his own genetics.
D. Mr. Bertuzzi was very hungry on the day of his alleged crime. Every person has a right to eat.
E. Mr. Bertuzzi's first name is Todd. It is scientifically proven that people named Todd are stupid.
F. Mr. Bertuzzi was told to eat Moore. It was not his choice. Why should he question his coach?
G. Mr. Bertuzzi’s son’s name is “Tag.” Tag is a violent game school children play. So of course, this means that my client is innocent because violence is in his blood.
H. Mr. Bertuzzi is a born again Christian. Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus and Jesus.

As you can see, this is all Marc Crawford’s fault. If Mr. Bertuzzi wasn’t instructed by his own coach to “pay revenge” on Steve Moore we wouldn’t be here today. We’d probably be solving a different crime, perhaps a theft that Bertuzzi couldn’t help committing because someone told him to do it.

I rest my case.

God Refuses Pettitte’s Confession

2007-12-17T05:42:00.000-05:00

YESTERDAY: - It was a regular Sunday for Andy Pettitte. He woke up, took a shot of HGH, had sex with his wife, got dressed, trimmed his pubes, and drove to Church.

“Normally I skip confession because I’m such a good Christian. But today I actually had something to confess,” Pettitte told The Linesman.

Although he claimed to have many sins, Pettitte did not spend much time in the confession booth. In fact, witnesses say the Yankees pitcher stormed out of confession in a fit of rage within just 10 seconds of entering.

“The priest told me God could not forgive me,” said an obviously upset Pettitte. “This is bullshit. The Lord forgives everyone.”

Much to Pettitte’s disappointment, God Himself backed up Father De Souza’s judgment because Jesus aired a personal message on the local Christian radio channel later that day. The Linesman received special permission from heaven to publish this holy message:

“Andy, my sheep,” Jesus began.

“Thou hast sinned greatly. I speak on behalf of my Almighty Father, the biggest baseball fan in the universe. HGH, for your information, is an illegal performance enhancing drug. So cut out the whole ‘I didn’t do steroids’ crap. You did and you’re just as guilty as your friend Roger.”

“Did you read Paul Byrd’s book? Obviously you didn’t. He even sent you a free copy, idiot. If you used his advice I would have forgiven you by now. But you only alluded to me once in your press conference. You have to repeat my name several times in your public apology if you seek repentance!”

“Next, you didn’t bite your lip hard enough during your apology. You have to draw blood. I know it hurts, but gaining forgiveness doesn’t come easy. Also, you might want to work on your acting a little more. Especially if you’re still hoping to win some Hall of Fame votes.”

“All right, I’m running out of air time so I’ll summarize my message: I don’t accept your apology, nor do I accept your confession. I will, however, forgive you if you say the Hail Mary 1,453,239 times.”

Byrd Advises Fellow Steroids Peers

2007-12-14T03:05:00.000-05:00

Now that the Mitchell report has been released, Cleveland pitcher Paul Byrd has expressed his desire to educate his fellow partners in crime about how to “handle the scandal.” In fact, just yesterday he published a book entitled How To Cover Up The Truth. He generously sent a free copy of his book to each of the players named in the Mitchell Report (Roger Clemens actually received 5 free copies).

The Linesman, a strong supporter of Byrd, received special permission to publish one excerpt from the instant classic, How To Cover Up The Truth.

Once again, we are proud to present you another… Linesman exclusive:

…You probably bought this book because you’re a rich man with tiny little balls… Chances are, you probably didn’t even know you were taking steroids. So don’t worry… Here’s some helpful advice. Organize a fancy press conference and…

1. Say that you’re Christian.
5 out of 5 Americans belong to a Christian cult. If you tell the public you’re Christian they’ll immediately understand that God will forgive you. Just look at what happened to Ted Haggard. The public found out he was a fag but the bible thumpers still love and pray for him. If God is on your side, so is the public. If you’re currently not a Christian, then just say you’re a “born again Christian.” They’ll love that even more, especially if it’s a complete lie.

2. Repeat the word “Jesus” 89 times in your speech.
The word “Jesus” is my favourite word. It stirs emotions and convinces people that you’re a good person. In your public apology, I advise that you don’t even use the word Jesus in a sentence. Just repeat “Jesus” over and over again and people will eventually forgive you. Here’s an example of what I mean: “Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus… I didn’t do it. By the way Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus.”

3. Remind everyone that you have children.
You will completely redeem yourself if you tell everyone that you are a father and have children. Children are innocent. Therefore, if you demonstrate that you can procreate innocent children, people will begin to realize that you have a heart of gold. And of course, if fans know you like pussy, they won’t suspect that you’re gay.

4. Bring your wife to the press conference.
If you have a hot wife bring her to the press conference. Force her to dress sexy. Keep her near you at all times. Introduce her as “your beautiful wife.” Tell her to show cleavage, but not so much that the Christians will get a bad impression of her. If your wife is ugly then abandon this strategy and consider yourself a loser.

5. Do not say “you know” 5,347 times like Michael Vick did.
I’ll use Michael Vick’s public apology as an example of how not to restore your public image. Don’t do anything that he did. If you say “you know” more than once you’ll sound like an idiot. No one forgives an idiot. In fact, if you’re black I’m afraid it’s practically impossible to restore your public image. I wouldn’t waste your time. Just give up and join the rest of your brothers in prison (I’m looking at you, Tejada and Sheffield).

6. Contradict yourself.
Normally contradicting yourself makes you look stupid, but in the context of a public apology, contradictions make you look good. You see, if 75% of your speech is full of contradictions, and the other 25% of the speech is made up of the word “Jesus,” people will only understand and remember the Jesus part. In turn, the public will be convinced that you are in fact a good man.

We thank Byrd’s publisher, Syringe Printing House Ltd. for the permission to publish this enlightening excerpt.

George Mitchell Interview

2007-12-13T03:17:00.000-05:00

George Mitchell, the chief investigator of a 2-year MLB steroids probe, was given the opportunity to do one interview with the media before officially disclosing the results of his investigation. Instead of choosing to sit down with ESPN, Reuters, TSN or USA Today, he sat down with us.

We are proud to present another Linesman exclusive.

Soo Min-Ji: Nice to meet you George, my name is Soo Min-Ji. You can just call me Minge.
Mitchell: Hello, Minge.
Minge: Hi George. So tell me, what do steroids do?
Mitchell: Well, athletes mainly take steroids to increase the size of their muscles. With bigger bodies baseball players can hit more homeruns.
Minge: Now I’ve been hearing a lot of fact and fiction about steroids. Our readers do not want to be ignorant any longer. I figure you’re the best person to ask because you’ve been working on this report for so long. Tell me, please, do steroids cause a man’s testicles to shrink?
Mitchell: Yes, I believe so.
Minge: Really? How do you know that?
Mitchell: Well, I did just finish a 20-month long investigation.
Minge: So did you see a lot of balls?
Mitchell: Just my own [laughs].
Minge: Are you on steroids?
Mitchell: No, of course not.
Minge: But then how do you know for sure that they shrink?
Mitchell: Frankly, I don’t know how. There’s probably some scientific explanation.
Minge: Fair enough. [pauses] When they shrink, are they comparable to the size of a child’s balls?
Mitchell: Hmm. Perhaps just a little hairier?
Minge: Ok, I think I can picture that… Next question: are there drugs that purposely increase the size of testicles?
Mitchell: As far as I know, no.
Minge: I’m confused, there’s a huge penis enlargement industry!
Mitchell: I suppose small balls aren’t such a big deal.
Minge: Fascinating. Now, has an MLB steroids user ever picked up an official league ball and looked at it jealously?
Mitchell: To my knowledge, no.
Minge: I hear that urine tests don’t always identify performance enhancing drugs.
Mitchell: Yes, that’s actually a special focus in section 7 of my report.
Minge: So if urine inspections often fail, why don’t medics do testicle inspections instead?
Mitchell: Testicle inspections are gay.
Minge: Really?
Mitchell: Yes.
Minge: Well, then I guess you can’t do testicle inspections.
Mitchell: Exactly. Some players, like Roger Clemens, are also really old. You don’t want to be looking at their raisin balls.
Minge: [laughs] I don’t mind small balls so much, they’re easier to fit in my mouth.
Mitchell: Look, can we please get off the subject of testicles?
Minge: Yes, of course. The next portion of the interview is strictly about the ethical implications of steroids use.
Mitchell: Great!
Minge: Ok, here goes: If a woman gets a sex change and then takes steroids, will her plasti-balls shrink?
Mitchell: I thought you said that –
Minge: Just answer the question!
Mitchell: I don’t know!
Minge: This leads me to believe your investigation is false.
Mitchell: Please don’t make such accusations.
Minge: You realize baseball fans across America will be reading this interview. You’re not helping your credibility here by being ignorant.
Mitchell: Can we just finish this so that I can go and give the official press conference?
Minge: Fine. Just one more question.
Mitchell: Go ahead.
Minge: What’s the difference between performance enhancing drugs and steroids?
Mitchell: They’re the same thing.
Minge: Are you sure?
Mitchell: Positive. There’s a reason why the report is called “The Mitchell Report.”
Minge: Does Viagra count as a performance enhancing drug?
Mitchell: No more questions!

[George Leaves… He gave the report moments later. Then we laughed at all the players with small testicles.]

Jones Sprints Away from IOC Medal-Stripping Crew

2007-12-13T03:09:00.000-05:00

Marion Jones is more than just the former sprinter who won 5 medals at the 2000 Summer Olympics in Sydney. Within the past two months she has shot to fame in the Montreal sex industry. Her past history of using growth hormones had doubled the size and capacity of her vagina, making her a huge attraction in the “Bangkok West” of Canada.

Although The Linesman was unable to acquire an interview with Miss Jones, we have sources that say she credits her “double vulva” as her career-saviour. Ironically, drugs have once again helped her get by in life. This is proof as to why everyone should do drugs.

Anyways, her career as an entertainer has been abruptly put on hiatus. Some have claimed creative differences between her original vulva and her new vulva have caused her to take time off and let her vagina resolve itself. These claims have been proved false, however.

The IOC came looking for Jones at her new home in Montreal yesterday. Because of her steroids confession, they asked her politely to return her five Sydney 2000 medals but she refused. The IOC didn’t have a medal-stripping warrant so they were forced to wait outside the Jones residence for five hours before the warrant issuing authority gave them the permission they needed.

It was too late.

Jones grabbed her medals and fled the scene. She had been running as the IOC medal-stripping crew waited for a medal-stripping warrant.To pass the time, The IOC committee visited Club Super Sex.

Even though Jones has been off steroids and growth hormones for the past couple of months, her super vagina allowed her to super queaf which in turn allowed her to gain super distance away from Montreal. In other words, her incredible queafing skills allowed her to run as if assisted by a jet pack.

Her whereabouts are currently unknown, but the stench of vagina still lingers in the Montreal suburbs. It is unknown whether she will surrender the medals or forsake her career in adult entertainment forever.

Wanted posters displaying Jones’ face and mutated pussy have been posted all over Quebec. Not that anyone actually cares to catch her. Her genitalia is just so awe-inspiring.

“We were looking for an excuse to show pictures of pussy in our store,” said 7-11 owner Louis Francois in St Leonard, Montreal.

Nevertheless, we’re obligated to say this: call 519-555-6661 if you have any tips.

Several Linesman Writers Beheaded

2007-12-13T02:50:00.000-05:00

As all four of you readers can see, The Linesman has not been publishing articles as often as it used to. This is due to the fact that a certain group of Linesman writers decided to ignore their deadlines.

We assure you articles will be published more frequently from now on though. All of the slackers were beheaded today and new staff has been hired. We apologize for the inconvenience and we assure you that all the incompetent writers are officially pronounced dead.

Pictured above: The beheading device currently situated in our office. It stands at the entrance as a reminder to all of our new writers of the serious consequences.

Mark Recchi Euthanization Attempt Fails

2007-12-08T06:58:00.000-05:00

The Pittsburgh Penguins have reported that their attempts to euthanize the aging Mark Recchi have failed.

"We're trying to put him out of his misery but he won't give up," said team doctors yesterday evening.

"He can't score any more goals so we might as well wash him away with the rest of the senior citizens of this country."

Reports indicate that Recchi survived an attempted forced-drowning in the Monongahela River last night. Doctors presumed that Recchi was among the other motionless bodies floating in the river, but they were obviously wrong. He was discovered unconscious the next morning a little down stream.

The Penguins have announced the purchase of an iron maiden from Germany. Hockey analysts speculate that it will be used in the next attempt to put Recchi out of his misery.

"All hockey players go to heaven," Gary Bettman stated yesterday in reaction to the euthanization news.

Belak Cast In High School Musical 3

2007-11-28T03:08:00.000-05:00

Wade Belak, whose acting credits include his own fabulous reality TV show Wade A Minute, has earned a part in the final chapter of the High School Musical trilogy.

"Wade's fighting experience and boyish looks make him the perfect actor for this role," said casting director Donna Summers.

Wade will play the role of Chip, the most fearsome bully in the movie.

"We've been losing a lot of fans since the 2nd High School Musical so we're changing our image by adding fighting scenes in the upcoming installment," said Ron Buttnick, producer.

"I think that my fighting sequences in the movie will bring respect back to the High School Musical franchise," Belak said yesterday.

"Fighting solves everything. In an argument with someone? Start a fight. Losing a hockey game? Start a fight. Don't have any money? Just go outside and fight. Your movie sucks? Add some fight scenes. Personally I wouldn't watch High School Musical unless it had fighting in it," Belak said.

Not surprisingly, Wade's presence in the upcoming High School Musical movie has drawn criticism. In fact, many unhappy fans have assembled in front of Disney studios to protest.

"Fighting is not what High School Musical is about. It's about the music. It's about the high school. It's about love," said Kim Cherry, webmaster of the official Hgih School Musical website.

In response, Wade Belak arrived at the protest to solve the problem. He beat up 21 girls (4 of which he raped) and 3 gay men. No complaints have been filed since the brawl.

Ferguson: Fighting Is The Answer

2007-11-26T08:09:00.002-05:00

As witnessed in the recent Coyotes-Leafs matchup, Toronto has a lot of attitude and very little skill.

"That's why we're going to just beat each other up. Tomorrow," said John Ferguson Jr.

"I figure we'll just vent out all of our frustrations by giving ourselves the message. I think fighting will solve the problem," finished Ferguson.

"I like Ferguson's idea," said Darcy Tucker as he punched our reporter in the nose.

"Fighting is sweet. When you're losing badly in a game, why not just start some fights? Fighting answers all of your problems," Darcy said. He then went on to kick Jason Blake in the testicles.

"Fuck you Darcy! I have cancer!" yelled Blake.

"Shut up Jason. I'm trying to help you. You have to fight your cancer or die!"

Our Linesman Reporter, Ted Sanders, fled the locker room in the midst of the apparent "therapy" session.

Cherry: Tlusty Is A Beautiful Boy

2007-11-19T10:12:00.000-05:00

According to Don Cherry, what does a dead Canadian soldier have in common with Jiri Tlusty?

They're both "beautiful boys."

"The last time I saw a naked man I had a stroke," Cherry said yesterday in an interview.

"But I didn't react the same way when I saw Tlusty's naked photos. I never knew there was such a beautiful boy underneath his uniform. I think I'm in love," said Cherry.

This week's Hockey Night In Canada will be more controversial than ever. Normally every Saturday night Cherry reads the names of the most recently deceased Canadian soldiers. Along with reading the names of the honourable dead he also always shows their pictures and calls them "beautiful boys" (he has called one soldier-chick a "hag" though).

This week will be extra special because Jiri Tlusty will join the Beautiful Boy Hall of Fame. Cherry will display naked pictures of Tlusty on National TV.

"You don't have to be dead in order to be beautiful. If I wasn't so old I'd show the photos with my giz all over them," said Cherry.

Marbury Serves Detention With 5th Graders

2007-11-19T08:53:00.001-05:00

It has been revealed that Stephon Marbury did not in fact have permission from the Knicks to leave New York. So not only has Marbury been fined, but, he has also been sentenced to detention at Willem Dafoe Middle School in Queens, New York.

"100 lines, no talking," said a stern Mrs. Butterfield, grade five teacher.

Marbury's troubles do not end there. The principal of Dafoe Middle School phoned his parents last night.

"We're very disappointed with Stephon - just going where he wants without permission. We didn't raise him like that," said Mrs. Marbury.

Because this is the same school at which Michael Vick took animal empathy classes, Dafoe Middle School is equipped with a desk that can accomodate a large black man. He serves his detention tomorrow as soon as the school bell rings at 3pm sharp.

With the exception of school bullies, no other people (including reporters) will be allowed on the school premises during, before or after the detention.

Celtics Clinch Playoff Spot

2007-11-19T08:46:00.000-05:00

"Give up" was the only comment the Celtics released. The NBA followed up by stating: "Now."

MLS Season Ends In Mystery

2007-11-19T08:36:00.000-05:00

David Beckham was not present at the 2007 MLS Championship game so, of course, no one was there to watch.

Unluckily the camera-men representing NBC Sports also forgot to tape the event all together. There was no other media coverage to report the game.

"I got high," said a disgraced NBC camera man Steve Curson. "It just slipped my mind," he said with a big smile on his face.

Despite the fact that we don't know which teams played in the final or who won, we do know one thing: the game had to be stopped for 15 minutes in the first half.

Apparently clean up crews had to remove a mound of tumble weed that began to collect on the field.

Rumour has it that there will be a new MLS season in 2008.

God Interested In Acquiring A-Rod

2007-11-15T07:54:00.000-05:00

God, the supreme being who created us all, sent Scott Boras a message through the angel Gabriel last night.

"It happened while I was having a money fight with Alex Rodriguez," began Boras.

"I was so close to winning the fight. I just needed to cover Alex with a few more million in cash, when all of a sudden, a burst of light appeared in the corner of the room. It was an angel. It was beautiful," he said.

According to Boras the angel said that Jesus' baseball team in heaven, the "Nazareth Apostles," was in desperate need of a hitter who is on the verge of becoming a baseball legend.

"We can't lose to Satan's team two years in a row. It's embarrassing. Half the saints on our team are too busy answering prayers," God said in the message.

Boras' decision is still unknown at this point. What we do know, though, is that Mariano Rivera has grown extremely jealous that God hasn't asked him to play on Jesus' baseball team.

"Does Alex quote scripture on his baseball glove? No. I do. It should be me," stated Rivera yesterday in a convincing accent.

Cherry Quits CBC, Begins "Hockey Fight In Canada"

2007-11-13T02:51:00.000-05:00

Don Cherry has announced his resignation from CBC's Hockey Night In Canada.

"I'm tired of hearing fags tell me that fighting in hockey is stupid," said Cherry yesterday.

"You're stupid," he added, before hopping onto his black slave Quami and trotting off.

In reaction to his resignation, thousands of die-hard Cherry fans assembled in front of the CBC headquarters in downtown Toronto. They all began fighting each other in what appeared to be a sign of protest. Witnesses said that after most of the supporters were either knocked unconscious or sent to the hospital, the more aggressive and stupider Cherry fans began beating the shit out of local pedestrians.

The police of course, clearly imitating NHL referees, just watched the brawl. Asian tourists were also heard cheering from a safe distance.

The rally slowly ended, thankfully, shortly after Cherry made a national public service announcement:

"Fuck Hockey Night In Canada. If you like my brand of hockey, then you'll watch ‘Hockey Fight In Canada.’ The league for real men. No pussies allowed."

According to Cherry, it will be a new league comprised of low-skilled players that all possess size, anger management problems, and low intelligence. Women are not allowed to watch the broadcasts, nor are females allowed to attend games.

"This will be Gladiator. Pure masculine," he added.

Darcy Tucker, Sean Avery, Steve Downie, Chris Neil and Wade Belak are the top agents that have been signed so far. It has been reported that Marty McSorley will come out of retirement to join the league as well.

The rules for the new league are still currently being written. Even though observers speculate that players will be permitted to carry weapons in addition to their hockey stick, Samurai swords will not be allowed because such weapons cannot be used by idiots.

Lindros Pulls "A Zoolander" At Hall of Fame Induction

2007-11-12T02:52:00.000-05:00

Now that his career is thankfully over, Lindros has officially begun his crusade of not letting us forget him. It all started last night at the Hockey Hall of Fame induction ceremony.

After Gary Bettman finished reading the names of the actual inductees for 2007, Eric Lindros suddenly entered on a centaur-driven chariot and stole the podium. Bettman tried to resist but Eric punched him in the head, instantly delivering a concussion.

The centaurs then devoured Bettman and disappeared in a cloud of smoke. An egg-like odour lingered in the air as the smoke slowly cleared.

"I wanna thank you all for this honour," Lindros began.

"There's only one player that can retire and get inducted into the Hall of Fame the next day, and that's me," he continued.

Before he could say more, Scott Stevens came up from behind and socked Lindros in the head. He fell on the floor and the crowd happily retreated from underneath their tables.

Later that evening Lindros was taken to a hospital and was treated for a concussion. However, because it was his 57th concussion, his brain had officially ceased working.

Without consulting Lindros' mother, authorities will ship Lindros' body to Quebec City tomorrow. Before being thrown into the St. Lawrence River, the locals will roast his body on a stake while singing the tune "Frère Jacques."

Selig: Base Coaches Will Wear Armour

2007-11-11T07:24:00.000-05:00

Safety fever has hit the MLB. And now with the latest safety precaution, no MLB player or coach will ever get injured again. In fact, every team has fired its now useless medical staff.

"Seeing as how several base coaches died last season as a result of foul ball-head injuries, all base coaches must wear armour from now on," said commissioner Bud Selig yesterday.

"Specifically, knight's armour," said Selig.

Most of the base coaches around the league are enthusiastic over the new rule.

"Phew, I can finally do my job safely. I was always worried about the health risks of coaching third base," said Blue Jays third base coach Randy Butterfly.

As expected, there were a couple of stupid complainers.

"I don't work for Medieval Times, damnit. I'm the first base coach of the Devil Rays," said Tampa Bay's third base coach (whose name our reporter forgot).

"I'll only agree to this if I get a lance and shove it down Selig's throat," he finished.

The unidentified base coach said something else but our reporter wasn't paying attention.

Unflushable Poo Linked to Mark Mangino

2007-11-09T22:29:00.000-05:00

A Wendy's diner in Kansas was forced to shut down after a toilet overflowed due to a clogged pipe.

"Most of the time, a piece of shit, no matter how big, eventually dissolves," said detective Robert Sterns.

"This turd is not going away though. It's practically made out of steel."

After taking several DNA samples, Mark Mangino has been identified as the creator of the abnormally large and solid piece of shit. He was arrested last night.

"I don't use public toilets. You think I can fit in a stall?" Mangino said in his defense.

Video evidence suggests the contrary however. If successfully convicted, Mangino will be unable to finish his season with the Kansas Jayhawks.

Avs Apparently Acquire Goalie From Blues

2007-11-09T05:06:00.000-05:00

YESTERDAY - The Colorado Avalanche have traded some draft picks for an unknown goalie from the St. Louis Blues.

"We don't know who this goalie is, nor do we know if he's good, but, you know, we figured that you can never have enough goalies," said Avalanche GM Francois Giguere.

"I'm really excited to meet him," said Avs Captain Joe Sakic.

"I like making new friends," he added.

Upon his first arrival in Colorado, the mayor of Denver plans to even give this unknown goalie the key to the city.

"I hope that we find out who this goalie is before he makes his ice debut," said the Mayor.

Gretzky Becomes American, Breaks Modano's Record

2007-11-09T05:00:00.000-05:00

Mike Modano's "Most points by an American" celebration came to an adrupt hault with the news of Wayne Gretzky gaining American citizenship.

"I've finally discovered that I'm actually American," said Gretzky yesterday, just after receiving his citizenship status.

"My wife's American, my children are American... I am American. I can't hide it any more. This is a terrible secret that I can't keep from the public," he said while weeping.

This automatically means that Modano is no longer the American points leader in NHL history.

"I have no regrets," said Modano yesterday as he was funnelling a bottle of Champagne.

"I was gonna get drunk tonight either way. I think everyone should be American. It's the best way to go. Esepcially for Wayne," Mike said.

Lindros Suffers Concussion At His Own Retirement Party

2007-11-07T07:02:00.000-05:00

DOWNTOWN TORONTO - After finishing his retirement speech yesterday night, Eric Lindros tripped, fell, and knocked his head on the ground. He was immediately taken to St. Michael's Hospital and treated for a concussion.

"I am so good at playing hockey, you know, that no team in the NHL deserves me," said Lindros, when he was still conscious.

"Oh, and one more thing. Fuck the Frenchies," he added, right before he fell and injured his head.

Lindros' announcement came as a shocking surprise. Throughout his career, he was always extremely eager to play for any team that drafted him. He never pouted on the bench either.

"I'm really sad that he's leaving the NHL so early," said former Philadelphia GM Bobby Clarke.

"I'm worried that without a job, he'll just end up lying in a bath tub with a collapsed lung for the rest of his life," he finished.

Bonds Prescribed Steroids To Ease Media Pressure

2007-11-05T09:21:00.000-05:00

To everyone's surprise, the media has been picking on baseball legend Barry Bonds for being black like Donovan McNabb.

As a result, a Doctor from the Bay Area Laboratory Co-operative has prescribed steroids for Bonds. They are meant to help him cope with the enormous task and responsibility of being Barry Bonds.

Bonds, who has never before taken any kind of performance enhancing drug, is not too worried about getting into any complications with the MLB.

"Since I don't technically have a team any more, I figured I can try these so-called steroids out," Bonds said yesterday. "Especially if they help me cope with being me," he said.

"It's really hard to be the best baseball player in the world. Sometimes, you have to accept the fact that you're so good that you need a little help... Like Matthew Perry, who relied on pain killers while shooting Friends."

"I just hope I don't catch a steroids-related health problem and die," he finished, while giving our reporter the finger and storming out.

Sunday Night Boredom

2007-11-05T08:46:00.001-05:00

Hey Linesman readers! You're reading another Linesman exclusive.

So because there wasn't anything significant on TV before the highly anticipated Whose Line Is It Anyway rerun last Sunday, Nov. 4, there was virtually nothing to do between 4:15pm and 7pm (Eastern Time).

We asked our readers to write in and tell us what you did to kill the time while waiting for the fabulous rerun. Here's what some of you shared:

"I watched all the deleted scenes from Bicentennial Man. It was sweet. Robin Williams is hiliarious," - Parker Stu, Ohio.

"I finally decided to do something about my nagging yeast infection," Jill Foglio, Ontario.

"Found a hidden bathroom in my house and took a shit in it," Ramsan O'Harriet, British Columbia.

"Fell asleep and lost my pet turtle. Still can't find it," Tim Goslin, Colorado.

"Watched a pirated video of Gwyneth Paltrow giving birth. Sweeeet," Saeid Tuchkew, Manchester.

"Consummated six different marriages," Osama Bin Laden, Tora Bora.

"Drove around downtown in a mustang while shooting paint balls at tranny hookers," Bruce Willis, New Jersey.

"Practiced my impersonation of Al Michaels," Lara Ulcer, West Virginia.

"Popped some viagra and went to the zoo," Charlie Sims, San Diego.

Thanks to everyone who wrote in! We hope you enjoyed seeing Drew Carrey's ugly face.

Boras Demands Hank Steinbrenner's Soul In Exchange For A-Rod

2007-11-04T02:47:00.000-05:00

A-Rod isn't settling for a cheap contract. In fact, he has so much money that he's not interested in getting paid any more.

"It is my ultimate goal to live forever, and I can only do that if I begin collecting peoples' souls," said Rodriguez yesterday in a message sent by an angel.

Scott Boras, Rodriguez's agent, has repeatedly stated the contract terms.

"Steinbrenner, my client demands your soul. Nothing less, nothing more. Nevermore," said Boras.

"You'll be perfectly functional without a soul during your lifetime. But when you die, you'll be used as Satan's enema. That's the only catch. My advice, do what the fans tell you to do," finished Boras.

Reportedly, a witchdoctor is on hand to perform the soul removing operation and cultivation procedure. Steinbrenner's final decision is still unknown.

Joe Cullen Mourns Kitna's Loss In Halloween-Costume Contest

2007-11-01T08:06:00.000-04:00

Joe Cullen, the ex-NFL coach who drove drunk and naked on a Wendy's drive thru in 2006, has started drinking again.

It's all Jon Kitna's fault, a Detroit Lions QB that dressed up as a naked and hungry Cullen at a Detroit Lions Halloween party. Kitna's costume did not flatter the costume judge (who was a journalist from the Detroit Free Press). As a result, a dormant alcoholic volcano has erupted in Cullen's subconscious.

"I got so depressed that Jon's costume didn't win," said Cullen this morning, while nursing a hangover and cracking open a fresh beer.

"If I'm not funny, then fuck, there's no hope," Cullen said as he finished his beer. He then promptly began chugging a Colt 45.

Before drinking forty ounces of vodka last night, Cullen had been sober for 9 months.

MLSE Cancels Remaining Leaf Home Games

2007-10-31T04:16:00.000-04:00

The Leafs have lost 7-1 or 8-1 in five different home games so far this season. Bryan McCabe is booed so much on home ice that he's lost his entire sex drive. It's also not unusual to see the Air Canada Centre completely empty by the third period.

"This is an act of charity," said MLSE chairman Larry Tanenbaum.

"The team's shit and the fans aren't happy. We're helping them out by not letting them come to games. Save your fucking money and your voices," finished Tanenbaum.

In reaction to the sad news, several Leaf fans gathered infront of the ACC to burn money. Next to a massive bondfire, protestors carried signs, many of which read slogans like: "BOOOOOOOO" and "LET US WASTE OUR MONEY!"

In an effort to better understand these Leaf fans, The Linesman conducted several interviews with local Torontonians on Yonge Street yesterday.

"BOOOOOOO," said Tom Miles, a 28-year-old Leaf fan.

"I think... BOOOOOOOOOO, booooooo," said another die-hard Leaf fan, Christian O'Neil.

"Boooo," Lyla Smolinski said.

"Oh, did I mention BOOOOOOO," she finished.